2 months. Geesh...2 months since last post.

It does not seem possible this much time has passed. Then again, I have not been in the most pleasant of places. Since April, I went to Bankruptcy hearing (Ch. 7. Good times. Not...), traveled to Charlotte for my youngest daughter's graduation, and still await *the* call for a job position I applied for. Any one of them....

I have been in a MAJOR funk since Sarah graduated. It was the first time since December 2007 that we all, as a family, were together. The ache, no, the gut wrenching pain I felt stunned me. I knew it would be very hard. Very hard. I never expected the sheer grief of loss, in my face, as I did that weekend. It was horrific. Seriously, I would have prefered the physical removal of my heart without any medication involved. Just a hand tearing into my chest and ripping the sucker out. How do people do this? How do people that have "moved on" before the other person they spent many years with, just deal with it? Like it's just another one of those things you have to do? I do not understand. At all. The loss of so many for the sake of one person. It just simply seems so selfish. What am I missing???

Needless to say, this event tossed me back some big steps. I have done nothing, but review how I failed my ex husband, our children, and myself. I have been living that nasty and ugly 5 letter word: Guilt. My ex moved out just over 15 months ago and our divorce was final January 2nd of this year. He never looked back. I never, ever thought I would still have such heart loss, still ache for him, or still love him as I do today. I hate this. I want feel as he does. No love. No loss. No cares. However, if I did, then I would be even more empty than I am today. I may still sob in grief of a man who "died" from my life, but at least I still feel. I may be slower than he in dealing, but it is a pace that only I can do that feels right. When the time comes, someday, I will be ready to trust. I will have renewed faith in myself and the possibilities of another relationship. I will learn, hopefully for the *real* time, the true gift of giving love and having given back to me.