Bins....

Today I started to "simplify" my Christmas decorations. To be honest, I have had my Holiday stuff on the kitchen table since January and the empty containers hanging out in the living room. I have not been able to put them away. I knew that when I did, I would have to get rid of the old, decide what to keep, and think about what to give away. It is another closing. Another reminder that life is not what is was and the history of all Christmas' past must be put away. Forever.

I am tired of the constant reminders of what I loved that exists no longer. It hurts. I know that this is a reality, but what it costs my heart everytime is so painful. More painful than I ever expected. It's funny. We think we "know" and are prepared because we "know". But, that's bullshit and a rationalization. It's almost arrogant. I have found, for myself, that I am smart and I have a clue of the steps I must go through, the work I must do, and that down the road I will be better for it. Thank you my own self and therapy. That said, emotionally it means shit. Totally, completely, in your face, shit. I have had the greatest loss of my life. Today, I packed up yet another reminder of that. I wrapped up several Pooh bears, ornaments from family vacations, hockey mouse, a dancing female skater, and Mr. and Mrs. Clause. Oh, and an ornament just for my Rory dog. I am better than I have been in the past, but this...this was my family. My loves. My life.

So. In a bin they go. Safe and ready for next December. I will smile when I take them out and place them where they can be. Only difference is I will have one that is new. One that celebrates me and my children. I don't know what it will be yet, but what I do know it will shine. And, that's all that matters.

Yet more affirmations...

One of these days, I will have something to share that doesn't revolve around my life. Well, "new" life. That's not how, however. It just goes to show you that no matter how long you are on this earth, life lessons will *always* continue. Always.... So, here is tonights thoughts.

Everyday I doubt the woman I was, am, and who I will become once this "transition" is somewhat over. I struggle to understand how I got here. My children, my siblings, and those I held dear. Old tapes run within my head, but thankfully, not as constant as they once were. It frustrates me so very much that I am not "over it". I'm not frozen as I once was, but this slow defrost is so *damn* slow. Part of it is me and the other is the circumstances (post divorce financial) surrounding me. Stuck between that freaking rock and the hard place on the other side.

I had an MD appointment today and she asked me if my divorce was final and then told me it was time for me to get out. Start dating. Get in the social scene. I'm pretty and sweet. Funny and that I shouldn't be hiding myself any longer. My ex has lost someone special and to hell with him. Even she asked me if there was another woman involved. Ugh. So many people keep sharing such helpful positive stuff, but I truly do not see it. I can't imagine anyone being interested in a person like myself. Ex told me that people share such nice things to me, but that it's not the real me. They don't live with me. Tapes. F-ing tapes that sabatoge myself. Because what if he was right? What if my own siblings are right? Hence, the doubt and the bi-weekly counseling. For some reason even my own therapist agrees with others outside my life. Who do I believe??? I guess it comes down to having simple faith for myself vs what others tell me or that repeat of the memory tapes.

I have so much more work to do. I'll probably be 95 before I figure out that I was good enough for something. Better late than never, right? So, I'll keep plugging along. I'm only 50 so I have some time on my side. :o )

It truly blows my mind. In a *good* way...

I have been a poster at a favorite website for several years. I would read a thread, post my thoughts/opinions, and then read some more. Period. It's a site that fascinates me because of the many mysteries involved. Like a huge real life puzzle that so many work on solving. So stimulating on *so* many levels! ***Love it***!!!

Anyway, I am finding that, for whatever reason, that I am respected as a poster. I don't know nor understand why. Truly. I am finding how much these people touch me and it makes me smile so broadly. It's almost embarrassing. Yet, I will be more honest than that. It makes me weep. I cannot believe that anyone would read what I write and believe is such good stuff. I know, that may not sound right and may even come across major goofy. But, it's truth. It's like I am another person typing away and there are others that actually believe in the words. I am stunned on every level. What do they "see" that I cannot for myself when it all comes from me??? After all this time it is beginning to dawn on me that I really may be that person who posts away and she doesn't suck so much. THAT causes me to weep more. So many have seen the woman I am that I never, ever knew. I had no idea existed. I didn't think she ever could. How amazing is that?

It's funny how over that last year I have learned so much. A crash education concerning life, people, family, and me. We spend a lifetime trying to do the best we can, be the best we can, and live the best we can. But, in trying to do the "best" we lose. We lose the true essence of the person our heart is because we are so busy trying to do the "best". Lessons are far from done, but I must state here the most heart humbling class that I have learned from.....

Never doubt the person you are. Always believe in the very truth of your person. Stay humble. Hold dear the people who "see" who you are as the whole package. They are friends. They are family even if they are not from blood. They nurture your essence of being. To them is I say, from my very heart and soul, thank you for allowing me to be me. And, holding me as someone who can touch your life as well. You keep me ~breathing~ and blooming as the potential rose that I will be. Thank you for such gifts.

Different day, same "stuff"

I know I have been lack in posting. It's been nearly a month since I posted. But, as the old saying goes, different day, same crap.

I am truly exhausted. Sadly, I wish it was because of physical energy spent, however it's not. I was thinking today how damn buff I'd be if that was true! Mind of a spent divorcee, but body of a (grin) 45 year old. These times so make a mind weary. How do I make changes when so much around me will not allow it? I have such negative feedback. No matter what I have to do, need to do, or choose to do it's not "right". I am tired of explaining legal shit. It's out of my hands. Yes, I have legal counseling. Yes, they have done the best they can concerning me. Yes, I checked it all out and have spoken to whoever I need to simply to verify fact. Yes, I keep applying for jobs. I am doing it all to the very best that I can!!! Is there not one freaking person who hears me????

What the hell am I suppose to do when the laws are fixed, the economy is "what it is", and it's not for the lack of doing what ever I can to be where I have to be? What the hell am I suppose to do? I am tired of hearing where I am, to put it bluntly, failing myself. If so many "know better, if so many are wiser "what I should do" or "are you sure you had the right counseling" opinions that I have not, then YOU take my life scenerio on. I am doing the g-damn best that I can with what I have. Sweet Mary, cut me some damn slack. I know this is a vent, but I am exhausted knowing, from "concern" how I continually fail. These same people who are not, but through conversation on the phone, telling me from their concerned hearts, what I need to do and how.

Okay..this is huge rant. Be prepared as I have an opportunity to let it out. Ready???

I have done this divorce shit all alone. There has not been one person next to me, supporting me, or even sharing a g-damn mac and cheese dinner with me. Who the hell are you all to tell me "whatever"??? If you think for one moment I EVER believed someone would step in and "fix this", you are so very, very sadly mistaken. I never, ever asked for a damn thing, so why would I think, for one nano second, someone would "fix this" for me? This is the hardest part of my life I have ever gone through. The only thing that could possibly be worse, other than watching/supporting the inevitable death of my mother would be one of my children. One of my beloved gifts of my life. I am imperfect where I have not had past experience to lean on as knowledge to help guide me. Ugh......

Okay, vent over. For now. :o ) This is what I know. Today. Tomorrow will be different, to be sure... There are going to be days that I need to rant/vent. There are going to be days that the bottom feels gone and I have nowhere to place strong footing. There will be days that the grief is totally overwhelming. Where I will sob from my very heart and soul, Where even breathing is a horrific task. *But*, I will do it. I have been doing it. My time will come. I will continue to try, to ~breathe~ in the calm, and I will be okay. Time is not our friend and it comes/goes as it needs to. However, I have no doubt that as it passes, I will find my space within it. And I will find that eventual peace. The "work" that I have been through, lived through, and believe in will come. Damn the negative feedback and the doubt. I will do it. For me. For (((me)))....