Bins....

Today I started to "simplify" my Christmas decorations. To be honest, I have had my Holiday stuff on the kitchen table since January and the empty containers hanging out in the living room. I have not been able to put them away. I knew that when I did, I would have to get rid of the old, decide what to keep, and think about what to give away. It is another closing. Another reminder that life is not what is was and the history of all Christmas' past must be put away. Forever.

I am tired of the constant reminders of what I loved that exists no longer. It hurts. I know that this is a reality, but what it costs my heart everytime is so painful. More painful than I ever expected. It's funny. We think we "know" and are prepared because we "know". But, that's bullshit and a rationalization. It's almost arrogant. I have found, for myself, that I am smart and I have a clue of the steps I must go through, the work I must do, and that down the road I will be better for it. Thank you my own self and therapy. That said, emotionally it means shit. Totally, completely, in your face, shit. I have had the greatest loss of my life. Today, I packed up yet another reminder of that. I wrapped up several Pooh bears, ornaments from family vacations, hockey mouse, a dancing female skater, and Mr. and Mrs. Clause. Oh, and an ornament just for my Rory dog. I am better than I have been in the past, but this...this was my family. My loves. My life.

So. In a bin they go. Safe and ready for next December. I will smile when I take them out and place them where they can be. Only difference is I will have one that is new. One that celebrates me and my children. I don't know what it will be yet, but what I do know it will shine. And, that's all that matters.