One of these days, I will have something to share that doesn't revolve around my life. Well, "new" life. That's not how, however. It just goes to show you that no matter how long you are on this earth, life lessons will *always* continue. Always.... So, here is tonights thoughts.
Everyday I doubt the woman I was, am, and who I will become once this "transition" is somewhat over. I struggle to understand how I got here. My children, my siblings, and those I held dear. Old tapes run within my head, but thankfully, not as constant as they once were. It frustrates me so very much that I am not "over it". I'm not frozen as I once was, but this slow defrost is so *damn* slow. Part of it is me and the other is the circumstances (post divorce financial) surrounding me. Stuck between that freaking rock and the hard place on the other side.
I had an MD appointment today and she asked me if my divorce was final and then told me it was time for me to get out. Start dating. Get in the social scene. I'm pretty and sweet. Funny and that I shouldn't be hiding myself any longer. My ex has lost someone special and to hell with him. Even she asked me if there was another woman involved. Ugh. So many people keep sharing such helpful positive stuff, but I truly do not see it. I can't imagine anyone being interested in a person like myself. Ex told me that people share such nice things to me, but that it's not the real me. They don't live with me. Tapes. F-ing tapes that sabatoge myself. Because what if he was right? What if my own siblings are right? Hence, the doubt and the bi-weekly counseling. For some reason even my own therapist agrees with others outside my life. Who do I believe??? I guess it comes down to having simple faith for myself vs what others tell me or that repeat of the memory tapes.
I have so much more work to do. I'll probably be 95 before I figure out that I was good enough for something. Better late than never, right? So, I'll keep plugging along. I'm only 50 so I have some time on my side. :o )
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