Different day, same "stuff"

I know I have been lack in posting. It's been nearly a month since I posted. But, as the old saying goes, different day, same crap.

I am truly exhausted. Sadly, I wish it was because of physical energy spent, however it's not. I was thinking today how damn buff I'd be if that was true! Mind of a spent divorcee, but body of a (grin) 45 year old. These times so make a mind weary. How do I make changes when so much around me will not allow it? I have such negative feedback. No matter what I have to do, need to do, or choose to do it's not "right". I am tired of explaining legal shit. It's out of my hands. Yes, I have legal counseling. Yes, they have done the best they can concerning me. Yes, I checked it all out and have spoken to whoever I need to simply to verify fact. Yes, I keep applying for jobs. I am doing it all to the very best that I can!!! Is there not one freaking person who hears me????

What the hell am I suppose to do when the laws are fixed, the economy is "what it is", and it's not for the lack of doing what ever I can to be where I have to be? What the hell am I suppose to do? I am tired of hearing where I am, to put it bluntly, failing myself. If so many "know better, if so many are wiser "what I should do" or "are you sure you had the right counseling" opinions that I have not, then YOU take my life scenerio on. I am doing the g-damn best that I can with what I have. Sweet Mary, cut me some damn slack. I know this is a vent, but I am exhausted knowing, from "concern" how I continually fail. These same people who are not, but through conversation on the phone, telling me from their concerned hearts, what I need to do and how.

Okay..this is huge rant. Be prepared as I have an opportunity to let it out. Ready???

I have done this divorce shit all alone. There has not been one person next to me, supporting me, or even sharing a g-damn mac and cheese dinner with me. Who the hell are you all to tell me "whatever"??? If you think for one moment I EVER believed someone would step in and "fix this", you are so very, very sadly mistaken. I never, ever asked for a damn thing, so why would I think, for one nano second, someone would "fix this" for me? This is the hardest part of my life I have ever gone through. The only thing that could possibly be worse, other than watching/supporting the inevitable death of my mother would be one of my children. One of my beloved gifts of my life. I am imperfect where I have not had past experience to lean on as knowledge to help guide me. Ugh......

Okay, vent over. For now. :o ) This is what I know. Today. Tomorrow will be different, to be sure... There are going to be days that I need to rant/vent. There are going to be days that the bottom feels gone and I have nowhere to place strong footing. There will be days that the grief is totally overwhelming. Where I will sob from my very heart and soul, Where even breathing is a horrific task. *But*, I will do it. I have been doing it. My time will come. I will continue to try, to ~breathe~ in the calm, and I will be okay. Time is not our friend and it comes/goes as it needs to. However, I have no doubt that as it passes, I will find my space within it. And I will find that eventual peace. The "work" that I have been through, lived through, and believe in will come. Damn the negative feedback and the doubt. I will do it. For me. For (((me)))....