It does not seem possible this much time has passed. Then again, I have not been in the most pleasant of places. Since April, I went to Bankruptcy hearing (Ch. 7. Good times. Not...), traveled to Charlotte for my youngest daughter's graduation, and still await *the* call for a job position I applied for. Any one of them....
I have been in a MAJOR funk since Sarah graduated. It was the first time since December 2007 that we all, as a family, were together. The ache, no, the gut wrenching pain I felt stunned me. I knew it would be very hard. Very hard. I never expected the sheer grief of loss, in my face, as I did that weekend. It was horrific. Seriously, I would have prefered the physical removal of my heart without any medication involved. Just a hand tearing into my chest and ripping the sucker out. How do people do this? How do people that have "moved on" before the other person they spent many years with, just deal with it? Like it's just another one of those things you have to do? I do not understand. At all. The loss of so many for the sake of one person. It just simply seems so selfish. What am I missing???
Needless to say, this event tossed me back some big steps. I have done nothing, but review how I failed my ex husband, our children, and myself. I have been living that nasty and ugly 5 letter word: Guilt. My ex moved out just over 15 months ago and our divorce was final January 2nd of this year. He never looked back. I never, ever thought I would still have such heart loss, still ache for him, or still love him as I do today. I hate this. I want feel as he does. No love. No loss. No cares. However, if I did, then I would be even more empty than I am today. I may still sob in grief of a man who "died" from my life, but at least I still feel. I may be slower than he in dealing, but it is a pace that only I can do that feels right. When the time comes, someday, I will be ready to trust. I will have renewed faith in myself and the possibilities of another relationship. I will learn, hopefully for the *real* time, the true gift of giving love and having given back to me.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
African violet
This morning, I woke thinking of my Mom. Not an unusual occurance for me. I think of her everyday. But, this morning was different. Mary was "here" beside me. Her essence was very, very strong and it made me cry. Made me smile from my heart as well. Apparently, I had the need of my Mother and she wanted to let me know that I was not alone. It worked.
Many years ago, when I first married Dave, my Mom gave me my very first plant for our apartment. It was a purple African violet. She reminded me that these were a delicate plant and to be sure to water from below. Not to get the leaves wet as they would rot. Oh, and to please not overwater for the same reason. No direct sunlight. So, I found a place not in reach of the Southern exposure, no drafts, and babied it. It bloomed and bloomed and bloomed and bloomed. For nearly 26 years. Many times repotted (not too big a pot as they like tight spaces, Mary told me.) and I never killed it. Everytime I looked at that plant, "Mary was home" with me.
I always found it ironic that the violet plant started to die around the time my marriage began to. I'm being very honest in saying that I "felt" it knew that our time, as well as it's part in it, was done. It gave the most beautiful blooms and the broadest green leaves it could. But, it was beyond be capable of doing it any longer. I tried to take the leaves and grow new roots, but it never took. Like my marriage. I think that is why Mary stopped by today. She reminded me of that plant that I nurtured for so long and what I did to help it grow and bloom. That sometimes there really is nothing else you can do, but let the plant go to the big earth recycle in the sky.
I thought about this all morning. I decided something. That African violet gave all it could to me. I gave all I could to my marriage. Then there is time let it go. Completely. Well, today I bought a new African violet plant. Same purple blooms and velvety leaves. Little tiny thing, really. I left Lowe's with my new friend and potting soil. I came home, found the most perfect pot for it to grow in, transplanted it, and gave it alot of water. Under the leaves, of course. This is a new welcome home gift for me. From Mary, again. New beginnings just as the first plant was intended so many years ago. It sits on the same table the other had and in the same window. I cannot wait to see how far it will spread it's leaves and the many blossoms it will share. I do believe we are two delicate flowering plants about to embark on a new Season of life.
Mom, thank you for stopping by today. I love you.
Many years ago, when I first married Dave, my Mom gave me my very first plant for our apartment. It was a purple African violet. She reminded me that these were a delicate plant and to be sure to water from below. Not to get the leaves wet as they would rot. Oh, and to please not overwater for the same reason. No direct sunlight. So, I found a place not in reach of the Southern exposure, no drafts, and babied it. It bloomed and bloomed and bloomed and bloomed. For nearly 26 years. Many times repotted (not too big a pot as they like tight spaces, Mary told me.) and I never killed it. Everytime I looked at that plant, "Mary was home" with me.
I always found it ironic that the violet plant started to die around the time my marriage began to. I'm being very honest in saying that I "felt" it knew that our time, as well as it's part in it, was done. It gave the most beautiful blooms and the broadest green leaves it could. But, it was beyond be capable of doing it any longer. I tried to take the leaves and grow new roots, but it never took. Like my marriage. I think that is why Mary stopped by today. She reminded me of that plant that I nurtured for so long and what I did to help it grow and bloom. That sometimes there really is nothing else you can do, but let the plant go to the big earth recycle in the sky.
I thought about this all morning. I decided something. That African violet gave all it could to me. I gave all I could to my marriage. Then there is time let it go. Completely. Well, today I bought a new African violet plant. Same purple blooms and velvety leaves. Little tiny thing, really. I left Lowe's with my new friend and potting soil. I came home, found the most perfect pot for it to grow in, transplanted it, and gave it alot of water. Under the leaves, of course. This is a new welcome home gift for me. From Mary, again. New beginnings just as the first plant was intended so many years ago. It sits on the same table the other had and in the same window. I cannot wait to see how far it will spread it's leaves and the many blossoms it will share. I do believe we are two delicate flowering plants about to embark on a new Season of life.
Mom, thank you for stopping by today. I love you.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Bins....
Today I started to "simplify" my Christmas decorations. To be honest, I have had my Holiday stuff on the kitchen table since January and the empty containers hanging out in the living room. I have not been able to put them away. I knew that when I did, I would have to get rid of the old, decide what to keep, and think about what to give away. It is another closing. Another reminder that life is not what is was and the history of all Christmas' past must be put away. Forever.
I am tired of the constant reminders of what I loved that exists no longer. It hurts. I know that this is a reality, but what it costs my heart everytime is so painful. More painful than I ever expected. It's funny. We think we "know" and are prepared because we "know". But, that's bullshit and a rationalization. It's almost arrogant. I have found, for myself, that I am smart and I have a clue of the steps I must go through, the work I must do, and that down the road I will be better for it. Thank you my own self and therapy. That said, emotionally it means shit. Totally, completely, in your face, shit. I have had the greatest loss of my life. Today, I packed up yet another reminder of that. I wrapped up several Pooh bears, ornaments from family vacations, hockey mouse, a dancing female skater, and Mr. and Mrs. Clause. Oh, and an ornament just for my Rory dog. I am better than I have been in the past, but this...this was my family. My loves. My life.
So. In a bin they go. Safe and ready for next December. I will smile when I take them out and place them where they can be. Only difference is I will have one that is new. One that celebrates me and my children. I don't know what it will be yet, but what I do know it will shine. And, that's all that matters.
I am tired of the constant reminders of what I loved that exists no longer. It hurts. I know that this is a reality, but what it costs my heart everytime is so painful. More painful than I ever expected. It's funny. We think we "know" and are prepared because we "know". But, that's bullshit and a rationalization. It's almost arrogant. I have found, for myself, that I am smart and I have a clue of the steps I must go through, the work I must do, and that down the road I will be better for it. Thank you my own self and therapy. That said, emotionally it means shit. Totally, completely, in your face, shit. I have had the greatest loss of my life. Today, I packed up yet another reminder of that. I wrapped up several Pooh bears, ornaments from family vacations, hockey mouse, a dancing female skater, and Mr. and Mrs. Clause. Oh, and an ornament just for my Rory dog. I am better than I have been in the past, but this...this was my family. My loves. My life.
So. In a bin they go. Safe and ready for next December. I will smile when I take them out and place them where they can be. Only difference is I will have one that is new. One that celebrates me and my children. I don't know what it will be yet, but what I do know it will shine. And, that's all that matters.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Yet more affirmations...
One of these days, I will have something to share that doesn't revolve around my life. Well, "new" life. That's not how, however. It just goes to show you that no matter how long you are on this earth, life lessons will *always* continue. Always.... So, here is tonights thoughts.
Everyday I doubt the woman I was, am, and who I will become once this "transition" is somewhat over. I struggle to understand how I got here. My children, my siblings, and those I held dear. Old tapes run within my head, but thankfully, not as constant as they once were. It frustrates me so very much that I am not "over it". I'm not frozen as I once was, but this slow defrost is so *damn* slow. Part of it is me and the other is the circumstances (post divorce financial) surrounding me. Stuck between that freaking rock and the hard place on the other side.
I had an MD appointment today and she asked me if my divorce was final and then told me it was time for me to get out. Start dating. Get in the social scene. I'm pretty and sweet. Funny and that I shouldn't be hiding myself any longer. My ex has lost someone special and to hell with him. Even she asked me if there was another woman involved. Ugh. So many people keep sharing such helpful positive stuff, but I truly do not see it. I can't imagine anyone being interested in a person like myself. Ex told me that people share such nice things to me, but that it's not the real me. They don't live with me. Tapes. F-ing tapes that sabatoge myself. Because what if he was right? What if my own siblings are right? Hence, the doubt and the bi-weekly counseling. For some reason even my own therapist agrees with others outside my life. Who do I believe??? I guess it comes down to having simple faith for myself vs what others tell me or that repeat of the memory tapes.
I have so much more work to do. I'll probably be 95 before I figure out that I was good enough for something. Better late than never, right? So, I'll keep plugging along. I'm only 50 so I have some time on my side. :o )
Everyday I doubt the woman I was, am, and who I will become once this "transition" is somewhat over. I struggle to understand how I got here. My children, my siblings, and those I held dear. Old tapes run within my head, but thankfully, not as constant as they once were. It frustrates me so very much that I am not "over it". I'm not frozen as I once was, but this slow defrost is so *damn* slow. Part of it is me and the other is the circumstances (post divorce financial) surrounding me. Stuck between that freaking rock and the hard place on the other side.
I had an MD appointment today and she asked me if my divorce was final and then told me it was time for me to get out. Start dating. Get in the social scene. I'm pretty and sweet. Funny and that I shouldn't be hiding myself any longer. My ex has lost someone special and to hell with him. Even she asked me if there was another woman involved. Ugh. So many people keep sharing such helpful positive stuff, but I truly do not see it. I can't imagine anyone being interested in a person like myself. Ex told me that people share such nice things to me, but that it's not the real me. They don't live with me. Tapes. F-ing tapes that sabatoge myself. Because what if he was right? What if my own siblings are right? Hence, the doubt and the bi-weekly counseling. For some reason even my own therapist agrees with others outside my life. Who do I believe??? I guess it comes down to having simple faith for myself vs what others tell me or that repeat of the memory tapes.
I have so much more work to do. I'll probably be 95 before I figure out that I was good enough for something. Better late than never, right? So, I'll keep plugging along. I'm only 50 so I have some time on my side. :o )
Friday, March 13, 2009
It truly blows my mind. In a *good* way...
I have been a poster at a favorite website for several years. I would read a thread, post my thoughts/opinions, and then read some more. Period. It's a site that fascinates me because of the many mysteries involved. Like a huge real life puzzle that so many work on solving. So stimulating on *so* many levels! ***Love it***!!!
Anyway, I am finding that, for whatever reason, that I am respected as a poster. I don't know nor understand why. Truly. I am finding how much these people touch me and it makes me smile so broadly. It's almost embarrassing. Yet, I will be more honest than that. It makes me weep. I cannot believe that anyone would read what I write and believe is such good stuff. I know, that may not sound right and may even come across major goofy. But, it's truth. It's like I am another person typing away and there are others that actually believe in the words. I am stunned on every level. What do they "see" that I cannot for myself when it all comes from me??? After all this time it is beginning to dawn on me that I really may be that person who posts away and she doesn't suck so much. THAT causes me to weep more. So many have seen the woman I am that I never, ever knew. I had no idea existed. I didn't think she ever could. How amazing is that?
It's funny how over that last year I have learned so much. A crash education concerning life, people, family, and me. We spend a lifetime trying to do the best we can, be the best we can, and live the best we can. But, in trying to do the "best" we lose. We lose the true essence of the person our heart is because we are so busy trying to do the "best". Lessons are far from done, but I must state here the most heart humbling class that I have learned from.....
Never doubt the person you are. Always believe in the very truth of your person. Stay humble. Hold dear the people who "see" who you are as the whole package. They are friends. They are family even if they are not from blood. They nurture your essence of being. To them is I say, from my very heart and soul, thank you for allowing me to be me. And, holding me as someone who can touch your life as well. You keep me ~breathing~ and blooming as the potential rose that I will be. Thank you for such gifts.
Anyway, I am finding that, for whatever reason, that I am respected as a poster. I don't know nor understand why. Truly. I am finding how much these people touch me and it makes me smile so broadly. It's almost embarrassing. Yet, I will be more honest than that. It makes me weep. I cannot believe that anyone would read what I write and believe is such good stuff. I know, that may not sound right and may even come across major goofy. But, it's truth. It's like I am another person typing away and there are others that actually believe in the words. I am stunned on every level. What do they "see" that I cannot for myself when it all comes from me??? After all this time it is beginning to dawn on me that I really may be that person who posts away and she doesn't suck so much. THAT causes me to weep more. So many have seen the woman I am that I never, ever knew. I had no idea existed. I didn't think she ever could. How amazing is that?
It's funny how over that last year I have learned so much. A crash education concerning life, people, family, and me. We spend a lifetime trying to do the best we can, be the best we can, and live the best we can. But, in trying to do the "best" we lose. We lose the true essence of the person our heart is because we are so busy trying to do the "best". Lessons are far from done, but I must state here the most heart humbling class that I have learned from.....
Never doubt the person you are. Always believe in the very truth of your person. Stay humble. Hold dear the people who "see" who you are as the whole package. They are friends. They are family even if they are not from blood. They nurture your essence of being. To them is I say, from my very heart and soul, thank you for allowing me to be me. And, holding me as someone who can touch your life as well. You keep me ~breathing~ and blooming as the potential rose that I will be. Thank you for such gifts.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Different day, same "stuff"
I know I have been lack in posting. It's been nearly a month since I posted. But, as the old saying goes, different day, same crap.
I am truly exhausted. Sadly, I wish it was because of physical energy spent, however it's not. I was thinking today how damn buff I'd be if that was true! Mind of a spent divorcee, but body of a (grin) 45 year old. These times so make a mind weary. How do I make changes when so much around me will not allow it? I have such negative feedback. No matter what I have to do, need to do, or choose to do it's not "right". I am tired of explaining legal shit. It's out of my hands. Yes, I have legal counseling. Yes, they have done the best they can concerning me. Yes, I checked it all out and have spoken to whoever I need to simply to verify fact. Yes, I keep applying for jobs. I am doing it all to the very best that I can!!! Is there not one freaking person who hears me????
What the hell am I suppose to do when the laws are fixed, the economy is "what it is", and it's not for the lack of doing what ever I can to be where I have to be? What the hell am I suppose to do? I am tired of hearing where I am, to put it bluntly, failing myself. If so many "know better, if so many are wiser "what I should do" or "are you sure you had the right counseling" opinions that I have not, then YOU take my life scenerio on. I am doing the g-damn best that I can with what I have. Sweet Mary, cut me some damn slack. I know this is a vent, but I am exhausted knowing, from "concern" how I continually fail. These same people who are not, but through conversation on the phone, telling me from their concerned hearts, what I need to do and how.
Okay..this is huge rant. Be prepared as I have an opportunity to let it out. Ready???
I have done this divorce shit all alone. There has not been one person next to me, supporting me, or even sharing a g-damn mac and cheese dinner with me. Who the hell are you all to tell me "whatever"??? If you think for one moment I EVER believed someone would step in and "fix this", you are so very, very sadly mistaken. I never, ever asked for a damn thing, so why would I think, for one nano second, someone would "fix this" for me? This is the hardest part of my life I have ever gone through. The only thing that could possibly be worse, other than watching/supporting the inevitable death of my mother would be one of my children. One of my beloved gifts of my life. I am imperfect where I have not had past experience to lean on as knowledge to help guide me. Ugh......
Okay, vent over. For now. :o ) This is what I know. Today. Tomorrow will be different, to be sure... There are going to be days that I need to rant/vent. There are going to be days that the bottom feels gone and I have nowhere to place strong footing. There will be days that the grief is totally overwhelming. Where I will sob from my very heart and soul, Where even breathing is a horrific task. *But*, I will do it. I have been doing it. My time will come. I will continue to try, to ~breathe~ in the calm, and I will be okay. Time is not our friend and it comes/goes as it needs to. However, I have no doubt that as it passes, I will find my space within it. And I will find that eventual peace. The "work" that I have been through, lived through, and believe in will come. Damn the negative feedback and the doubt. I will do it. For me. For (((me)))....
I am truly exhausted. Sadly, I wish it was because of physical energy spent, however it's not. I was thinking today how damn buff I'd be if that was true! Mind of a spent divorcee, but body of a (grin) 45 year old. These times so make a mind weary. How do I make changes when so much around me will not allow it? I have such negative feedback. No matter what I have to do, need to do, or choose to do it's not "right". I am tired of explaining legal shit. It's out of my hands. Yes, I have legal counseling. Yes, they have done the best they can concerning me. Yes, I checked it all out and have spoken to whoever I need to simply to verify fact. Yes, I keep applying for jobs. I am doing it all to the very best that I can!!! Is there not one freaking person who hears me????
What the hell am I suppose to do when the laws are fixed, the economy is "what it is", and it's not for the lack of doing what ever I can to be where I have to be? What the hell am I suppose to do? I am tired of hearing where I am, to put it bluntly, failing myself. If so many "know better, if so many are wiser "what I should do" or "are you sure you had the right counseling" opinions that I have not, then YOU take my life scenerio on. I am doing the g-damn best that I can with what I have. Sweet Mary, cut me some damn slack. I know this is a vent, but I am exhausted knowing, from "concern" how I continually fail. These same people who are not, but through conversation on the phone, telling me from their concerned hearts, what I need to do and how.
Okay..this is huge rant. Be prepared as I have an opportunity to let it out. Ready???
I have done this divorce shit all alone. There has not been one person next to me, supporting me, or even sharing a g-damn mac and cheese dinner with me. Who the hell are you all to tell me "whatever"??? If you think for one moment I EVER believed someone would step in and "fix this", you are so very, very sadly mistaken. I never, ever asked for a damn thing, so why would I think, for one nano second, someone would "fix this" for me? This is the hardest part of my life I have ever gone through. The only thing that could possibly be worse, other than watching/supporting the inevitable death of my mother would be one of my children. One of my beloved gifts of my life. I am imperfect where I have not had past experience to lean on as knowledge to help guide me. Ugh......
Okay, vent over. For now. :o ) This is what I know. Today. Tomorrow will be different, to be sure... There are going to be days that I need to rant/vent. There are going to be days that the bottom feels gone and I have nowhere to place strong footing. There will be days that the grief is totally overwhelming. Where I will sob from my very heart and soul, Where even breathing is a horrific task. *But*, I will do it. I have been doing it. My time will come. I will continue to try, to ~breathe~ in the calm, and I will be okay. Time is not our friend and it comes/goes as it needs to. However, I have no doubt that as it passes, I will find my space within it. And I will find that eventual peace. The "work" that I have been through, lived through, and believe in will come. Damn the negative feedback and the doubt. I will do it. For me. For (((me)))....
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
It's been a posting while...
There have been some life changes over the last several weeks. Some good, some not so good. That said, that's life, is it not? Yes, that's truth no matter how you look at it. Anyway, I have so many thoughts since last posting, but I'll simply try to just *be* tonight and not ramble on too much. All good for anyone who reads here. :o )
I know I have been a true mess for soooo many months. Any person going through a breakup or the ending of a marriage appreciates what that means. The pressure to "move on" has been HUGE (no fault of anyone who only want the best for me, to be sure), but I have/am learning that my schedule of healing and letting go is only mine. It's not about dwelling or not accepting, but it's about grief of loss. Loss of a long term marriage, loss of family, and the loss of a love I truly held deeply within my being. Frankly, I must be honest. I always "loved" my ex husband, but I had absolutely no idea how deeply I held him within my heart. Isn't that always the way. ~Sigh~
So here it is. I will continue to move on at *my* speed. It may not be fast and it may still have moments where I am imperfect (sobbing times and not behaving as the old me), but I am doing it. I will ***always*** miss my old friend, the shape of his hands when he held mine, or the intensity of his eyes when he was truly himself looking into mine. This is my time of work. No one elses. If any person, whomever trips upon my writing and is going through such a difficult time reads this, please remember this. For what it's worth....
Breathe. Do not ever let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. Behave or shouldn't behave. Just try and find yourself and at your time speed. You are never to fix anything for anyone, but (((you))). I'm beginning to think that we cannot move on to a better life if we do not put ourselves first. I'm finally getting that it's not selfish and we deserve *us* first before others. Nothing like getting past that old Catholic guilt! LOL!
I'm going to be *me*. No more worries about how I come across to anyone. Besides, isn't that how we always should be? Our true self??? I mean, DUH! So, I may be loud at times, ramble/babble in conversations, laugh much over stupid stuff, and not be real knowledgable on many topics. But, I will always be *me*. I really like that. :o )
I know I have been a true mess for soooo many months. Any person going through a breakup or the ending of a marriage appreciates what that means. The pressure to "move on" has been HUGE (no fault of anyone who only want the best for me, to be sure), but I have/am learning that my schedule of healing and letting go is only mine. It's not about dwelling or not accepting, but it's about grief of loss. Loss of a long term marriage, loss of family, and the loss of a love I truly held deeply within my being. Frankly, I must be honest. I always "loved" my ex husband, but I had absolutely no idea how deeply I held him within my heart. Isn't that always the way. ~Sigh~
So here it is. I will continue to move on at *my* speed. It may not be fast and it may still have moments where I am imperfect (sobbing times and not behaving as the old me), but I am doing it. I will ***always*** miss my old friend, the shape of his hands when he held mine, or the intensity of his eyes when he was truly himself looking into mine. This is my time of work. No one elses. If any person, whomever trips upon my writing and is going through such a difficult time reads this, please remember this. For what it's worth....
Breathe. Do not ever let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. Behave or shouldn't behave. Just try and find yourself and at your time speed. You are never to fix anything for anyone, but (((you))). I'm beginning to think that we cannot move on to a better life if we do not put ourselves first. I'm finally getting that it's not selfish and we deserve *us* first before others. Nothing like getting past that old Catholic guilt! LOL!
I'm going to be *me*. No more worries about how I come across to anyone. Besides, isn't that how we always should be? Our true self??? I mean, DUH! So, I may be loud at times, ramble/babble in conversations, laugh much over stupid stuff, and not be real knowledgable on many topics. But, I will always be *me*. I really like that. :o )
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