Gawd, I miss (((Hugs)))

Ever have one of those days when you miss something so crucial to your need of being nurtured that you wish there was a way to find it? I'm having one of those days. Every now and again, it hits me. Hard. Today, all I would absolutely love is to be able to curl up, very tight, next to someone and be engulfed in a body hug. You know the kind I mean. The "in snuggle comfy clothes, all tucked into the fold of someone's warm body, with their arm across your shoulder holding you close" kinda hug.

I miss that more than I can describe. It's not just be on the receiving end, but also being the one to provide that. I miss it so much. How do some people exist without that precious human touch in their lives? It's been such a long year here for me without that and I cannot possibly imagine living the rest of my life without such ~touch~. It's not about sex or anything remotely close to that. It's truly about human closeness. I know we all must eat for our bodies to survive, but what about the emotional comfort? Does that not help us be as healthy within our own soul, our heart and mind, feel whole as a person? I truly think it does.

I feel as if I'm some wilting plant. The lack of water. Lack of much needed nutrients for survival. To have someone who could foster this soul with such caring, I know I could find my blooms. I could show my colors. So bright, so fresh, and so lasting.

Ever have an unrelenting "nag"???

I don't know why or what it is, but it has been with me for the last several weeks. Something is not "right". To be fair, it's not like I haven't experienced some surprises (not the "omg, this is *GREAT*" kind) in the past or lately and that may have me feeling a little hyperviligent in terms of expecting something. That said, I cannot get rid of this ~feeling~ that there is something simply wrong. Worse, it feels like it'll be big. So, what do you do with that? You'd think I was being paranoid, but even when I try to decifer/rationalize that thought, I honestly cannot. My children have been noticably absent. Oldest son, whose birthday was last Thursday, was suppose to come by on Friday. He called me back Thursday night and we made plans. He never showed. I called and left a message on Saturday wishing him well and to get back to me when he could. He has not. I've left messages with my 2 daughter's. Nothing. Something is not right. Not just because of that, but I think more is going on behind the scenes that I'm not aware of. Call it, "Mother's intuition". I hate this shit. I'm rarely wrong when it comes to them. Very rarely. It's the bane to their existance, how I have this motherly ESP. Ugh...

I have no doubt that if anyone were to read this, they would understand the term, "waiting for the other shoe to drop". I can't rid of it. I hope my guys are okay and this has nothing to do with any decision that their father is making. I'm afraid it may and this could be a reason why I have not heard from them. I know, I know....there's nothing I can do about it if it is. But, I *hate* what this year has cost them. How it has hurt them. How it has changed everything that they thought they knew about family. Their Mom and Dad. That all was not what they may have thought to begin with and they have to work through what they believed was a "truth" when it was not. Been there and had to deal with that myself. It hurts, it's hard, and it's difficult work to redefine that part of believed history. I so worry and hurt for them. If there was anything, absolutely anything that I could do to help or fix, I would in a heartbeat. They never deserved this. Never, ever deserved this.

Okay, on an different note, it snowed here. Again. I would just like to share that snow is a beautiful blanket covering, especially at night. When the moon is bright and it's glow shines off that shiny white frozen landscape. Yeah, well, enough with the damn white blanket and freaking glow already. It's already cost me $120 for the plow guy in less than 3 weeks. My driveway is nothing, but a sheet of ice (Northern exposure, of course), I'm driving this goofy uber light macho 6 speed (why do you need a 6 speed manual? Really??) 2 door coupe that has absolutely no weight or traction (though, I will say that if it was summer, I'd look soooo cool in it wearing my shades, music blasting. Yeah, I'm pseudo 18. Though, a little less "perky" everywhere), and it's g-damn freaking cold!!! I'm talking the whole witch here!!! I miss having a butt warmer...yes, I *am* a baby. First time in 18 years I didn't have some heated warmth before the car was ready to put out some serious heat. It's all about the butt and lower back. So shoot me...

I am definitely not going to stay here, in this part of the country. I may have been born a New Englander, but I will never be able to say I love this Season as so many can who have been here for generations. Besides, change is good. I have sweatshirts to get me by no matter where I end up and a coat I may have to drag out for only several weeks of the Winter somewhere else. I love that thought. I love it alot!

Well, major long post tonight and it's time to let it end now. Stay warm, wherever you are. And, if you have a butt warmer in your car, think of me and then smile. Your ass is warmer than mine. :o )

Weirded out

It's been several days since I was last here. My four legged friends stayed around for just as many days. I named them Moe, Larry, and Curley. I know they were females, but I figured since they were wearing their Winter coats, they wouldn't mind so much by the male names. It was funny. Two of them, on Wednesday morning, were jumping around like they were celebrating Spring. Seriously, just enjoying the early morning as baby Spring lambs do. It was hysterical to watch. I guess they had their fill of the free munch on my bushes buffet because they haven't been back. Still, they truly gave me such huge smiles for those days they were here.

I went out last night and met up with 2 friends I've known since High School. It is always fun and we laugh *much*! There was a man at the restaurant that kept trying to "hook" with me. This is where the "weirded out" comes in. He was a nice enough man. To be fair, not a person I would even be the slightest bit interested in. Okay, it didn't help that we were talking about the car I'm driving at the moment and I made a joke concerning a manual 6 speed and I have know idea why you would need a 6th gear to begin with. He than proceeded to make comments concerning how I shift the stick shift and how smoothly do I do it. Several times. One word: Ewwwwww!!!! I mean, what the Hell? How old are you anyway??? I wanted to be my total smartass self and reply that I have driven manuals many times and there is nothing worse than a jerk start, but I didn't. I'm sure you can imagine, knowing me, that there *SO* many rude and crude thoughts flowing through my head. No shocker there. Anyway, given all that, this was the very first time I have ever been approached by another man. Well, since I've been single recently and it was very disturbing. In the past, it was no big deal and I would simply laugh it off because I had in my life the only man I have ever wanted in it. It gave me such comfort knowing I already had someone I loved and I could blow this person off and not think twice about it. Flattering, yes. But never, ever even a nano second of thought after it was over and I moved on and away.

I don't have that now. Worse, all I wanted was my ex to come strolling over looking for me, touching the small of my back letting me know he was there, and then moving on. For some reason, when this would happen (not often, thankfully) I was never so proud to be his woman. His wife. No one elses. How do people do this? How does any person, man or woman, who had a significant other they loved even begin to entertain the mere thought of another let alone do this whole "prowl" thing? It wasn't even flattering to me on any level. It actually made my reality more real. I actually feel more lost. I couldn't understand why I have been in such a sad funk today and this is why. I miss the man who left me a long time ago. I miss the security of that hug, that touch that reminded me that I was loved. Cherished. It is very apparent that I have a long way to go before I will be comfortable within my own skin before I can believe I am worthy of that kind of heart love. Heart trust in a relationship. I do not ever want to feel this grief ever again. I do not want to screw it up if I am ever given that gift again.

Oh, and for what it's worth, there will NEVER be a joined dating site, club hopping, or any of that "put yourself out there" crap. I think I will truly gamble simply meeting people in this world and trust that maybe, someday, I will be fortunate enough to have someone bump into me and I, them. I think it's a worthy gamble and the odds just may pay in my favor. And hopefully, someone else's.

Calm after the 48 hour "flare"

This morning a woke up early and came downstairs to get my coffeemaker going. I looked out my front window and saw critter tracks everywhere. There have been many four legged animals about over the last week. Fox, coyote, and deer. Coyote were making noise earlier today, but it's always in the wee hours of the day. Anyway, I have always found it so wonderful to look outside and witness the animal traffic tracks in white snow. Here are creatures, so small and some so very big, making a passing visit through my yard and you never would know they were there if not for snow groundcover. Makes me smile.

I pour my coffee, put on the Weather Channel, and catch up on the early day weather promises for the world. Time for the second mug. I walk back into the kitchen and look out the window of the sink and there are deer strolling in my backyard. 3 does munching away on whatever they munch on during the Winter. For the entire morning and until 2 p.m. this afternoon they hung out. All 3, at one point, took naps. 2 out of the 3 laid on the ground, all curled up like we see our cat or dog do while the 3rd one also laid down, but kept it's head/ears alert. More fascinating was how they would take turns doing this. One on first watch got a break from one of the other deers and tucked it's head. Amazing. It got me thinking...

Families are like a small herd of deer. Especially, as we get older and have our own herd. We stick together, walk our own path to find what we need, and may not interact much. Together, yet separated. Not too close, not too far away, either But, when it comes down to being safe we take turns protecting the other so they may rest. It's nothing that is planned. We just "do it". Instinct.

What is unfortunate sometimes is Nature has it's own plan for change of that dynamic. Just like the 4th deer that showed up did to this group. The other 3 were not disturbed when she walked up to them. In fact, they just laid there like that had been. But, then she went up to one of them and started sniffing about. That caused that deer to get up, shake the snow off and walk away from her. Then, they were gone. This one deer came and interrupted the quiet and peaceful time they were having. I realized I have done that to my herd of family. I was once walking like they were, getting what I need, and following a path that was the same yet, not in any of their lines of walking. I had to break away and I came back only to disrupt. No intent intended, but I did. Even if they think they know where I have been. I could have been out in the far left of the fields, but for all they know I have been to the right.

I think it is time for me to find a new field. A place that I can make my home, find the nurturing food I need, and expand what my herd once was. Make my own path in the snow and hopefully, when someone looks out their window, they will smile that I passed by and left my mark I was there.

I'm so very tired. Literally and figurtively...

I was up late last night talking with my brother and didn't hit bed until the early hours of the morning. My head was busy thinking about what we chatted about. Up early with a mind that couldn't stop. I have to work on these 4 a.m. self wake-up hours. It's beyond absurd that I am functioning on no more than 4-5 hours of sleep every night. So many concerns and worries that I cannot erase, if just only for a brief time snuggled in my bed. Geez, this is getting really old....

I know I have not too many choices right now. It's so unsettling. If I could, today even, I would pack up all that I want and need and move far, far away Away from my past. Away from family. Away from words that I constantly hear within my head as if they are truth spoken to me. Of course, for my own betterment and out of love/concern. I do not mean that as harsh as it may come across. What has been said and shared is, I have no doubt, out of love. But, so much of what "truth" that is "observed" from afar concerning me is so wrong. Add in timing of needing to hear all this, well, I pretty much suck as an individual and I'm feeling pretty battered as one.

I am flawed on soooo many possible levels. For years I had been informed, by the very person I held so deep within my heart, exactly what kind a woman that I am. He knew me better than I knew myself. Why I said the things I said. Why I did what I would do. Why I behaved the way that I did. Apparently, he may not have been too far off the mark. Even as I write this, I can hear him, and my family, saying I am being a "self defeatest pity making get off your ass others have it worse than you you know it's because we love you why do you think you have to explain anything your actions and behaviours cause concern this has been happening for awhile now but here's the thing all has been said because we love" tape. Okay. Fine. Thank you for sharing.

My therapist will have some continued work to do with, huh. For some reason, she thinks I have some self esteem issues. I wonder why that is??? I'll ask her, again, on Thursday. She's the Pro. Maybe I can be enlightened. More lessons to be learned. I'm really beginning to hate that word. "Lessons". I wonder if she'll give me a couple of gold stars when I *finally* finish this grade school of life. Perhaps even a diploma. I could hang it up next to my divorce decree...

One more thing gone...

Today, my car went away. Ex has it and I have his lease until I can buy a car. One more thing left to go and that is home. I cannot express, in words, how all this feels. Everything is coming to an end now. One more thing left.

How do we all get to this place? I still cannot wrap my head around it. I worked and loved my family. I believed, from the very essence of me, I was doing the right thing. My husband first, children second, and everything else was last. I told my ex that he was loved today and asked that he never forgot that. He told me he wasn't sure of my love for him. Christ. What can one person do to prove their love for another??? I do not get that. How should/could I proved that he was the only important person in my life that he would believe? After all this time, how could I have done that? I gave him the *all* of me. That was not enough? Turn it around. What had he shared to me that let me know *I* was loved? What I do not get is what was my job for all and not have it returned. This was a one sided deal???

Spoke with my brother tonight and he will touch base later in the evening. It seems to me, not from him mind you, that I have so much to prove to my family. I have been defined, in the lack of a better description, of the woman I am or have become. I have been accused of drinking too much. Family history and dynamics. Gotta love it. This from people who have had nothing to do with me, have been around me (save for a night or brief weekend..that's twice since the Spring.) for like "whenever".

I have done this separation/divorce crap by myself. I hit the lowest of lows in the depression thing. As I mentioned prior post, I have the sofa cushions to prove it. How do I ever explain or justify that I may be "loud" in voice when we all meet up because I am so HAPPY to be with them as well as getting louder when I have some beverages at that time? Apparently, I get louder. Sigh. I *so* suck at just being me. How do I change a behaviour of myself that makes others more comfortable? This makes me so damn sad. It wasn't enough for ex and I cannot just be *me* with anyone. Christ.... why cannot I not simply be me without being what many believe I should behave as? I don't get it. What am I missing? I hate being such a judged failure or flawed person. Is there nothing worth in me that any person in my life can see without false view or opinion???

I miss my Rory. He did, my four pawed Oreo. Unconditional love. I truly miss stroking his neurotic body. I really, really do....

OL's Bucket List

I read that "The Bucket List" was going to be on HBO and it got me thinking. Now, I've never seen the movie, but I do remember what the concept was. So I thought I would wite my own "list" of some of the things I would love to do before I die. I figure the list can be very long considering I plan on living forever. Maybe the "living forever" should be first on my bucket list. Just a thought....

1. I want to go to Ireland for a month. I have family history on the Isle and I would love to be where they live. I want to stay in a home that has a moss thatched roof. Hit a pub, drink warm beer (I'll have to do home drinking tutorials first. 'cause, "BLECH!), and pretend to know songs that the regulars enjoy singing. I wonder what happen to my Irish Rover albums???

2. To go shopping, buy a magnificent dress, hair/makeup, and have an amazing dinner at an amazing restaurant. Basically, feel and look like a woman. I know, that sounds so very silly and vain, but I have never done that for the simple reason for wanting to feel beautiful. With a meal. I'll pay....

3. Climb Mt. Everest. That's bullshit, but I thought I should toss in something admirable. I would rather have extensive root canals in one sitting than climb that damn mountain.

4. Be the most loving, supportive, and Queen of Spoiling Grandmother. EVER. Well, hopefully my kids will have kids since I can't follow that plan until they do....

5. Have my *own* home filled with warmth, the essence of me, and a deck for my grille for family summer get togethers. Maybe even another pet...maybe. Something that is mine so I never feel like I "owe" any person anything ever again. I *did* it. That would be amazing....

Geesh. Only 5 things not counting the bogus #3. Cool......

Breathing after the emotional storm

Thank God for today! LOL!!! I know I will have moments, but what I hate most is that they are *always* concerning Dave. I was thinking this morning how I never take Pepcid anymore. Well, save for when I indulge in really nasty food groups. Like, Wise Potato Chips or Tostitos with that waaaay bad for you salsa cheese dip. Heh, heh, heh...

I guess I'm really digesting how much I really was stressed out over the years. Don't get me wrong, the man I married so many years ago was NOTHING like the one that exists walking in that shell now. Even into early/mid 2007, all I would have to do was think of him while simply driving home from the market and my heart would literally palpitate. I would sing! Seriously, I must have been quite the sight with others driving in the opposite direction. 48 years old and that man could *still* make my heart beat extra beats. He was funny, gentle, and could share the greatest hugs that wouldn't just hold me tight in arms embrace. They went deeply into my very soul.... Then, he "died". He went very far away. Never to be found again.

That is what I have been grieving over all this time. The anger I have felt. The true depression I slipped into for months. I have the sofa cushion impressions of my butt to prove that one. Ugh... I did not handle the past 18 months well, to be sure. If I am going to be honest, I yelled, cried, pleaded, and accused. I WAS a desperate wife living in fear. I didn't just ask for answeres, I demanded them. That, for anyone who has no clue about relationships, is how you help destroy communications. I'm not taking all the blame here, too be sure! But, I let my sheer fear of losing my marriage take over for me. His excuse, I will never know except to hear the running memory tapes of his words within my head. I would prefer to let those tapes die. They will. Someday.

Anywho, I am not just a new divorcee. I was a "widow" before that. I will say this and mean if from the very heart of my being. I loved him. I loved him more than even I understood. I will miss him very, very much. As for the alien that lives in his body now, well, I hope you find the earthly needs you so crave.

Ugly remnants of Divorce

I don't get it. Whenever I think I have a grip and have learned "whatever", something else crops up. Nothing hugely life changing or even a personal cost persay. But,"just one more thing" that I have only certain control over. Gawd, I crave mind/heart peace. I am exhausted. Literally, physically, and emotionally. I just want all to end. Ex wanted this divorce. However, I'm the one who filed. You cannot, in fairness, hold onto something that you know another does not want, feel, or hold dear anymore. It has "cost" me and my precious children.

The damn car. 2 days after divorce is filed and papers sent, ex wants my car. It's in his name and there's not much I can do about it. It was decided in September, at the Courthouse, that he was letting it be repossessed. Okay. I am filing Chapter 7 and ex, Chapter 13. No one can affor the loan. It goes away. Until I get an email late Tuesday night. Ex will take my car and we can switch to cars so I drive his lease. He'll make one more payment on that car before it is repo'd. What a guy...

I am angry. I've been played. I've been manipulated. And, of course, I must let him know what I want to do as soon as possible.

I. feel. ill. Used. Lied to. Again. Geezus. Will I *ever* grasp the man that he has become???

:o (

Today is Thursday...

The day after Wednesday. Wednesday, trash pick-up day. Day after tossing very dead Christmas tree onto the deck. Had to put there considering all the rain/sleet. I've already fallen onto pavement twice (Worse, in front of the public viewing. Figures...) in 1 month. Same left knee. Hurt like a s.o.b. and bled like one, too. I thought slipping down the back hill would truly be tempting Fate and my lack of coordination. Well, there's that and the fact I'm running out of Bandaids/Neosporin. It's also the day after I receive in the mail my *official* divorce papers. No surprise it arrived on trash day. The irony of it.

The header of the document states, "State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. Family Court Final Judgment". It's even stamped by the Clerk as "True Copy Attest". Where do I put this document? File it in the legal Bin of Hell along with all the other papers I have received from lawyers over the last 10 months? Place it within "family" paper treasures that I have kept over the last 29 years? Or, frame the damn thing and hang it on the wall like you would with a college diploma you worked so hard for? Without the well earned golden stamp on the lower corner.... ~Sigh~

Over so many months, I have literally battled with and within myself, living the cliche' definition of "divorcee". A 50 year old divorcee whose ex husband stated, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". That evolved into, "Marrying you was the biggest mistake I ever made. ***Ever***". I became one of "those" middle aged women you read about in selfhelp books or Redbook magazines. Thankfully, I am healing (slowly, I admit) and I know that all that was said to me is crap. I know much that I have read in the media or have bought, is crap. Only I decide if I want to live that bullshit cliche'. I don't and I won't. I never wanted to be a follower, anyway. :o )

Whoa. A new adventure. Be gentle with me....

I have no idea how this is going to work. When I mentioned a "new adventure", I am being sincere. It's interesting, for me, considering that I have *no* problem sharing thoughts, opinions, or just fresh (as in, being a brat!) stuff on one of my favorite websites. I read a topic and I just toss the written OL word out there. It's safe. I can be witty (and sarcastic, I admit), but it's post and run. No one really knows me as a real person physically, but I have found that I have underestimated my internet friends. They do "know" me. In fact, I wish I could share how enlightening it has been. If they only knew the gifts they have given me. These wonderful people have nurtured and encouraged me. How amazing is that!!?

I have never blogged before. Then again, I've never eaten sushi, either. So perhaps there are simularities here. I look at sushi, see the rolled rice wrapped in that green stuff, some red thin sliced fish (I think), and I wonder about the taste. The texture. What flavors will I enjoy or not so much? Will it leave a pleasant taste within my mouth or will I want to run to the nearest ladies room?

So, this is a test run. I'm sure I'll get more comfortable sharing once I get over knowing others can read what I write. Maybe I'll lurk over at my favorite place and steal a topic. Kinda like a cheat sheet for blogging. :o )