I'm so very tired. Literally and figurtively...

I was up late last night talking with my brother and didn't hit bed until the early hours of the morning. My head was busy thinking about what we chatted about. Up early with a mind that couldn't stop. I have to work on these 4 a.m. self wake-up hours. It's beyond absurd that I am functioning on no more than 4-5 hours of sleep every night. So many concerns and worries that I cannot erase, if just only for a brief time snuggled in my bed. Geez, this is getting really old....

I know I have not too many choices right now. It's so unsettling. If I could, today even, I would pack up all that I want and need and move far, far away Away from my past. Away from family. Away from words that I constantly hear within my head as if they are truth spoken to me. Of course, for my own betterment and out of love/concern. I do not mean that as harsh as it may come across. What has been said and shared is, I have no doubt, out of love. But, so much of what "truth" that is "observed" from afar concerning me is so wrong. Add in timing of needing to hear all this, well, I pretty much suck as an individual and I'm feeling pretty battered as one.

I am flawed on soooo many possible levels. For years I had been informed, by the very person I held so deep within my heart, exactly what kind a woman that I am. He knew me better than I knew myself. Why I said the things I said. Why I did what I would do. Why I behaved the way that I did. Apparently, he may not have been too far off the mark. Even as I write this, I can hear him, and my family, saying I am being a "self defeatest pity making get off your ass others have it worse than you you know it's because we love you why do you think you have to explain anything your actions and behaviours cause concern this has been happening for awhile now but here's the thing all has been said because we love" tape. Okay. Fine. Thank you for sharing.

My therapist will have some continued work to do with, huh. For some reason, she thinks I have some self esteem issues. I wonder why that is??? I'll ask her, again, on Thursday. She's the Pro. Maybe I can be enlightened. More lessons to be learned. I'm really beginning to hate that word. "Lessons". I wonder if she'll give me a couple of gold stars when I *finally* finish this grade school of life. Perhaps even a diploma. I could hang it up next to my divorce decree...