I don't know why or what it is, but it has been with me for the last several weeks. Something is not "right". To be fair, it's not like I haven't experienced some surprises (not the "omg, this is *GREAT*" kind) in the past or lately and that may have me feeling a little hyperviligent in terms of expecting something. That said, I cannot get rid of this ~feeling~ that there is something simply wrong. Worse, it feels like it'll be big. So, what do you do with that? You'd think I was being paranoid, but even when I try to decifer/rationalize that thought, I honestly cannot. My children have been noticably absent. Oldest son, whose birthday was last Thursday, was suppose to come by on Friday. He called me back Thursday night and we made plans. He never showed. I called and left a message on Saturday wishing him well and to get back to me when he could. He has not. I've left messages with my 2 daughter's. Nothing. Something is not right. Not just because of that, but I think more is going on behind the scenes that I'm not aware of. Call it, "Mother's intuition". I hate this shit. I'm rarely wrong when it comes to them. Very rarely. It's the bane to their existance, how I have this motherly ESP. Ugh...
I have no doubt that if anyone were to read this, they would understand the term, "waiting for the other shoe to drop". I can't rid of it. I hope my guys are okay and this has nothing to do with any decision that their father is making. I'm afraid it may and this could be a reason why I have not heard from them. I know, I know....there's nothing I can do about it if it is. But, I *hate* what this year has cost them. How it has hurt them. How it has changed everything that they thought they knew about family. Their Mom and Dad. That all was not what they may have thought to begin with and they have to work through what they believed was a "truth" when it was not. Been there and had to deal with that myself. It hurts, it's hard, and it's difficult work to redefine that part of believed history. I so worry and hurt for them. If there was anything, absolutely anything that I could do to help or fix, I would in a heartbeat. They never deserved this. Never, ever deserved this.
Okay, on an different note, it snowed here. Again. I would just like to share that snow is a beautiful blanket covering, especially at night. When the moon is bright and it's glow shines off that shiny white frozen landscape. Yeah, well, enough with the damn white blanket and freaking glow already. It's already cost me $120 for the plow guy in less than 3 weeks. My driveway is nothing, but a sheet of ice (Northern exposure, of course), I'm driving this goofy uber light macho 6 speed (why do you need a 6 speed manual? Really??) 2 door coupe that has absolutely no weight or traction (though, I will say that if it was summer, I'd look soooo cool in it wearing my shades, music blasting. Yeah, I'm pseudo 18. Though, a little less "perky" everywhere), and it's g-damn freaking cold!!! I'm talking the whole witch here!!! I miss having a butt warmer...yes, I *am* a baby. First time in 18 years I didn't have some heated warmth before the car was ready to put out some serious heat. It's all about the butt and lower back. So shoot me...
I am definitely not going to stay here, in this part of the country. I may have been born a New Englander, but I will never be able to say I love this Season as so many can who have been here for generations. Besides, change is good. I have sweatshirts to get me by no matter where I end up and a coat I may have to drag out for only several weeks of the Winter somewhere else. I love that thought. I love it alot!
Well, major long post tonight and it's time to let it end now. Stay warm, wherever you are. And, if you have a butt warmer in your car, think of me and then smile. Your ass is warmer than mine. :o )
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