Weirded out

It's been several days since I was last here. My four legged friends stayed around for just as many days. I named them Moe, Larry, and Curley. I know they were females, but I figured since they were wearing their Winter coats, they wouldn't mind so much by the male names. It was funny. Two of them, on Wednesday morning, were jumping around like they were celebrating Spring. Seriously, just enjoying the early morning as baby Spring lambs do. It was hysterical to watch. I guess they had their fill of the free munch on my bushes buffet because they haven't been back. Still, they truly gave me such huge smiles for those days they were here.

I went out last night and met up with 2 friends I've known since High School. It is always fun and we laugh *much*! There was a man at the restaurant that kept trying to "hook" with me. This is where the "weirded out" comes in. He was a nice enough man. To be fair, not a person I would even be the slightest bit interested in. Okay, it didn't help that we were talking about the car I'm driving at the moment and I made a joke concerning a manual 6 speed and I have know idea why you would need a 6th gear to begin with. He than proceeded to make comments concerning how I shift the stick shift and how smoothly do I do it. Several times. One word: Ewwwwww!!!! I mean, what the Hell? How old are you anyway??? I wanted to be my total smartass self and reply that I have driven manuals many times and there is nothing worse than a jerk start, but I didn't. I'm sure you can imagine, knowing me, that there *SO* many rude and crude thoughts flowing through my head. No shocker there. Anyway, given all that, this was the very first time I have ever been approached by another man. Well, since I've been single recently and it was very disturbing. In the past, it was no big deal and I would simply laugh it off because I had in my life the only man I have ever wanted in it. It gave me such comfort knowing I already had someone I loved and I could blow this person off and not think twice about it. Flattering, yes. But never, ever even a nano second of thought after it was over and I moved on and away.

I don't have that now. Worse, all I wanted was my ex to come strolling over looking for me, touching the small of my back letting me know he was there, and then moving on. For some reason, when this would happen (not often, thankfully) I was never so proud to be his woman. His wife. No one elses. How do people do this? How does any person, man or woman, who had a significant other they loved even begin to entertain the mere thought of another let alone do this whole "prowl" thing? It wasn't even flattering to me on any level. It actually made my reality more real. I actually feel more lost. I couldn't understand why I have been in such a sad funk today and this is why. I miss the man who left me a long time ago. I miss the security of that hug, that touch that reminded me that I was loved. Cherished. It is very apparent that I have a long way to go before I will be comfortable within my own skin before I can believe I am worthy of that kind of heart love. Heart trust in a relationship. I do not ever want to feel this grief ever again. I do not want to screw it up if I am ever given that gift again.

Oh, and for what it's worth, there will NEVER be a joined dating site, club hopping, or any of that "put yourself out there" crap. I think I will truly gamble simply meeting people in this world and trust that maybe, someday, I will be fortunate enough to have someone bump into me and I, them. I think it's a worthy gamble and the odds just may pay in my favor. And hopefully, someone else's.