One more thing gone...

Today, my car went away. Ex has it and I have his lease until I can buy a car. One more thing left to go and that is home. I cannot express, in words, how all this feels. Everything is coming to an end now. One more thing left.

How do we all get to this place? I still cannot wrap my head around it. I worked and loved my family. I believed, from the very essence of me, I was doing the right thing. My husband first, children second, and everything else was last. I told my ex that he was loved today and asked that he never forgot that. He told me he wasn't sure of my love for him. Christ. What can one person do to prove their love for another??? I do not get that. How should/could I proved that he was the only important person in my life that he would believe? After all this time, how could I have done that? I gave him the *all* of me. That was not enough? Turn it around. What had he shared to me that let me know *I* was loved? What I do not get is what was my job for all and not have it returned. This was a one sided deal???

Spoke with my brother tonight and he will touch base later in the evening. It seems to me, not from him mind you, that I have so much to prove to my family. I have been defined, in the lack of a better description, of the woman I am or have become. I have been accused of drinking too much. Family history and dynamics. Gotta love it. This from people who have had nothing to do with me, have been around me (save for a night or brief weekend..that's twice since the Spring.) for like "whenever".

I have done this separation/divorce crap by myself. I hit the lowest of lows in the depression thing. As I mentioned prior post, I have the sofa cushions to prove it. How do I ever explain or justify that I may be "loud" in voice when we all meet up because I am so HAPPY to be with them as well as getting louder when I have some beverages at that time? Apparently, I get louder. Sigh. I *so* suck at just being me. How do I change a behaviour of myself that makes others more comfortable? This makes me so damn sad. It wasn't enough for ex and I cannot just be *me* with anyone. Christ.... why cannot I not simply be me without being what many believe I should behave as? I don't get it. What am I missing? I hate being such a judged failure or flawed person. Is there nothing worth in me that any person in my life can see without false view or opinion???

I miss my Rory. He did, my four pawed Oreo. Unconditional love. I truly miss stroking his neurotic body. I really, really do....