Breathing after the emotional storm

Thank God for today! LOL!!! I know I will have moments, but what I hate most is that they are *always* concerning Dave. I was thinking this morning how I never take Pepcid anymore. Well, save for when I indulge in really nasty food groups. Like, Wise Potato Chips or Tostitos with that waaaay bad for you salsa cheese dip. Heh, heh, heh...

I guess I'm really digesting how much I really was stressed out over the years. Don't get me wrong, the man I married so many years ago was NOTHING like the one that exists walking in that shell now. Even into early/mid 2007, all I would have to do was think of him while simply driving home from the market and my heart would literally palpitate. I would sing! Seriously, I must have been quite the sight with others driving in the opposite direction. 48 years old and that man could *still* make my heart beat extra beats. He was funny, gentle, and could share the greatest hugs that wouldn't just hold me tight in arms embrace. They went deeply into my very soul.... Then, he "died". He went very far away. Never to be found again.

That is what I have been grieving over all this time. The anger I have felt. The true depression I slipped into for months. I have the sofa cushion impressions of my butt to prove that one. Ugh... I did not handle the past 18 months well, to be sure. If I am going to be honest, I yelled, cried, pleaded, and accused. I WAS a desperate wife living in fear. I didn't just ask for answeres, I demanded them. That, for anyone who has no clue about relationships, is how you help destroy communications. I'm not taking all the blame here, too be sure! But, I let my sheer fear of losing my marriage take over for me. His excuse, I will never know except to hear the running memory tapes of his words within my head. I would prefer to let those tapes die. They will. Someday.

Anywho, I am not just a new divorcee. I was a "widow" before that. I will say this and mean if from the very heart of my being. I loved him. I loved him more than even I understood. I will miss him very, very much. As for the alien that lives in his body now, well, I hope you find the earthly needs you so crave.