It does not seem possible this much time has passed. Then again, I have not been in the most pleasant of places. Since April, I went to Bankruptcy hearing (Ch. 7. Good times. Not...), traveled to Charlotte for my youngest daughter's graduation, and still await *the* call for a job position I applied for. Any one of them....
I have been in a MAJOR funk since Sarah graduated. It was the first time since December 2007 that we all, as a family, were together. The ache, no, the gut wrenching pain I felt stunned me. I knew it would be very hard. Very hard. I never expected the sheer grief of loss, in my face, as I did that weekend. It was horrific. Seriously, I would have prefered the physical removal of my heart without any medication involved. Just a hand tearing into my chest and ripping the sucker out. How do people do this? How do people that have "moved on" before the other person they spent many years with, just deal with it? Like it's just another one of those things you have to do? I do not understand. At all. The loss of so many for the sake of one person. It just simply seems so selfish. What am I missing???
Needless to say, this event tossed me back some big steps. I have done nothing, but review how I failed my ex husband, our children, and myself. I have been living that nasty and ugly 5 letter word: Guilt. My ex moved out just over 15 months ago and our divorce was final January 2nd of this year. He never looked back. I never, ever thought I would still have such heart loss, still ache for him, or still love him as I do today. I hate this. I want feel as he does. No love. No loss. No cares. However, if I did, then I would be even more empty than I am today. I may still sob in grief of a man who "died" from my life, but at least I still feel. I may be slower than he in dealing, but it is a pace that only I can do that feels right. When the time comes, someday, I will be ready to trust. I will have renewed faith in myself and the possibilities of another relationship. I will learn, hopefully for the *real* time, the true gift of giving love and having given back to me.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
African violet
This morning, I woke thinking of my Mom. Not an unusual occurance for me. I think of her everyday. But, this morning was different. Mary was "here" beside me. Her essence was very, very strong and it made me cry. Made me smile from my heart as well. Apparently, I had the need of my Mother and she wanted to let me know that I was not alone. It worked.
Many years ago, when I first married Dave, my Mom gave me my very first plant for our apartment. It was a purple African violet. She reminded me that these were a delicate plant and to be sure to water from below. Not to get the leaves wet as they would rot. Oh, and to please not overwater for the same reason. No direct sunlight. So, I found a place not in reach of the Southern exposure, no drafts, and babied it. It bloomed and bloomed and bloomed and bloomed. For nearly 26 years. Many times repotted (not too big a pot as they like tight spaces, Mary told me.) and I never killed it. Everytime I looked at that plant, "Mary was home" with me.
I always found it ironic that the violet plant started to die around the time my marriage began to. I'm being very honest in saying that I "felt" it knew that our time, as well as it's part in it, was done. It gave the most beautiful blooms and the broadest green leaves it could. But, it was beyond be capable of doing it any longer. I tried to take the leaves and grow new roots, but it never took. Like my marriage. I think that is why Mary stopped by today. She reminded me of that plant that I nurtured for so long and what I did to help it grow and bloom. That sometimes there really is nothing else you can do, but let the plant go to the big earth recycle in the sky.
I thought about this all morning. I decided something. That African violet gave all it could to me. I gave all I could to my marriage. Then there is time let it go. Completely. Well, today I bought a new African violet plant. Same purple blooms and velvety leaves. Little tiny thing, really. I left Lowe's with my new friend and potting soil. I came home, found the most perfect pot for it to grow in, transplanted it, and gave it alot of water. Under the leaves, of course. This is a new welcome home gift for me. From Mary, again. New beginnings just as the first plant was intended so many years ago. It sits on the same table the other had and in the same window. I cannot wait to see how far it will spread it's leaves and the many blossoms it will share. I do believe we are two delicate flowering plants about to embark on a new Season of life.
Mom, thank you for stopping by today. I love you.
Many years ago, when I first married Dave, my Mom gave me my very first plant for our apartment. It was a purple African violet. She reminded me that these were a delicate plant and to be sure to water from below. Not to get the leaves wet as they would rot. Oh, and to please not overwater for the same reason. No direct sunlight. So, I found a place not in reach of the Southern exposure, no drafts, and babied it. It bloomed and bloomed and bloomed and bloomed. For nearly 26 years. Many times repotted (not too big a pot as they like tight spaces, Mary told me.) and I never killed it. Everytime I looked at that plant, "Mary was home" with me.
I always found it ironic that the violet plant started to die around the time my marriage began to. I'm being very honest in saying that I "felt" it knew that our time, as well as it's part in it, was done. It gave the most beautiful blooms and the broadest green leaves it could. But, it was beyond be capable of doing it any longer. I tried to take the leaves and grow new roots, but it never took. Like my marriage. I think that is why Mary stopped by today. She reminded me of that plant that I nurtured for so long and what I did to help it grow and bloom. That sometimes there really is nothing else you can do, but let the plant go to the big earth recycle in the sky.
I thought about this all morning. I decided something. That African violet gave all it could to me. I gave all I could to my marriage. Then there is time let it go. Completely. Well, today I bought a new African violet plant. Same purple blooms and velvety leaves. Little tiny thing, really. I left Lowe's with my new friend and potting soil. I came home, found the most perfect pot for it to grow in, transplanted it, and gave it alot of water. Under the leaves, of course. This is a new welcome home gift for me. From Mary, again. New beginnings just as the first plant was intended so many years ago. It sits on the same table the other had and in the same window. I cannot wait to see how far it will spread it's leaves and the many blossoms it will share. I do believe we are two delicate flowering plants about to embark on a new Season of life.
Mom, thank you for stopping by today. I love you.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Bins....
Today I started to "simplify" my Christmas decorations. To be honest, I have had my Holiday stuff on the kitchen table since January and the empty containers hanging out in the living room. I have not been able to put them away. I knew that when I did, I would have to get rid of the old, decide what to keep, and think about what to give away. It is another closing. Another reminder that life is not what is was and the history of all Christmas' past must be put away. Forever.
I am tired of the constant reminders of what I loved that exists no longer. It hurts. I know that this is a reality, but what it costs my heart everytime is so painful. More painful than I ever expected. It's funny. We think we "know" and are prepared because we "know". But, that's bullshit and a rationalization. It's almost arrogant. I have found, for myself, that I am smart and I have a clue of the steps I must go through, the work I must do, and that down the road I will be better for it. Thank you my own self and therapy. That said, emotionally it means shit. Totally, completely, in your face, shit. I have had the greatest loss of my life. Today, I packed up yet another reminder of that. I wrapped up several Pooh bears, ornaments from family vacations, hockey mouse, a dancing female skater, and Mr. and Mrs. Clause. Oh, and an ornament just for my Rory dog. I am better than I have been in the past, but this...this was my family. My loves. My life.
So. In a bin they go. Safe and ready for next December. I will smile when I take them out and place them where they can be. Only difference is I will have one that is new. One that celebrates me and my children. I don't know what it will be yet, but what I do know it will shine. And, that's all that matters.
I am tired of the constant reminders of what I loved that exists no longer. It hurts. I know that this is a reality, but what it costs my heart everytime is so painful. More painful than I ever expected. It's funny. We think we "know" and are prepared because we "know". But, that's bullshit and a rationalization. It's almost arrogant. I have found, for myself, that I am smart and I have a clue of the steps I must go through, the work I must do, and that down the road I will be better for it. Thank you my own self and therapy. That said, emotionally it means shit. Totally, completely, in your face, shit. I have had the greatest loss of my life. Today, I packed up yet another reminder of that. I wrapped up several Pooh bears, ornaments from family vacations, hockey mouse, a dancing female skater, and Mr. and Mrs. Clause. Oh, and an ornament just for my Rory dog. I am better than I have been in the past, but this...this was my family. My loves. My life.
So. In a bin they go. Safe and ready for next December. I will smile when I take them out and place them where they can be. Only difference is I will have one that is new. One that celebrates me and my children. I don't know what it will be yet, but what I do know it will shine. And, that's all that matters.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Yet more affirmations...
One of these days, I will have something to share that doesn't revolve around my life. Well, "new" life. That's not how, however. It just goes to show you that no matter how long you are on this earth, life lessons will *always* continue. Always.... So, here is tonights thoughts.
Everyday I doubt the woman I was, am, and who I will become once this "transition" is somewhat over. I struggle to understand how I got here. My children, my siblings, and those I held dear. Old tapes run within my head, but thankfully, not as constant as they once were. It frustrates me so very much that I am not "over it". I'm not frozen as I once was, but this slow defrost is so *damn* slow. Part of it is me and the other is the circumstances (post divorce financial) surrounding me. Stuck between that freaking rock and the hard place on the other side.
I had an MD appointment today and she asked me if my divorce was final and then told me it was time for me to get out. Start dating. Get in the social scene. I'm pretty and sweet. Funny and that I shouldn't be hiding myself any longer. My ex has lost someone special and to hell with him. Even she asked me if there was another woman involved. Ugh. So many people keep sharing such helpful positive stuff, but I truly do not see it. I can't imagine anyone being interested in a person like myself. Ex told me that people share such nice things to me, but that it's not the real me. They don't live with me. Tapes. F-ing tapes that sabatoge myself. Because what if he was right? What if my own siblings are right? Hence, the doubt and the bi-weekly counseling. For some reason even my own therapist agrees with others outside my life. Who do I believe??? I guess it comes down to having simple faith for myself vs what others tell me or that repeat of the memory tapes.
I have so much more work to do. I'll probably be 95 before I figure out that I was good enough for something. Better late than never, right? So, I'll keep plugging along. I'm only 50 so I have some time on my side. :o )
Everyday I doubt the woman I was, am, and who I will become once this "transition" is somewhat over. I struggle to understand how I got here. My children, my siblings, and those I held dear. Old tapes run within my head, but thankfully, not as constant as they once were. It frustrates me so very much that I am not "over it". I'm not frozen as I once was, but this slow defrost is so *damn* slow. Part of it is me and the other is the circumstances (post divorce financial) surrounding me. Stuck between that freaking rock and the hard place on the other side.
I had an MD appointment today and she asked me if my divorce was final and then told me it was time for me to get out. Start dating. Get in the social scene. I'm pretty and sweet. Funny and that I shouldn't be hiding myself any longer. My ex has lost someone special and to hell with him. Even she asked me if there was another woman involved. Ugh. So many people keep sharing such helpful positive stuff, but I truly do not see it. I can't imagine anyone being interested in a person like myself. Ex told me that people share such nice things to me, but that it's not the real me. They don't live with me. Tapes. F-ing tapes that sabatoge myself. Because what if he was right? What if my own siblings are right? Hence, the doubt and the bi-weekly counseling. For some reason even my own therapist agrees with others outside my life. Who do I believe??? I guess it comes down to having simple faith for myself vs what others tell me or that repeat of the memory tapes.
I have so much more work to do. I'll probably be 95 before I figure out that I was good enough for something. Better late than never, right? So, I'll keep plugging along. I'm only 50 so I have some time on my side. :o )
Friday, March 13, 2009
It truly blows my mind. In a *good* way...
I have been a poster at a favorite website for several years. I would read a thread, post my thoughts/opinions, and then read some more. Period. It's a site that fascinates me because of the many mysteries involved. Like a huge real life puzzle that so many work on solving. So stimulating on *so* many levels! ***Love it***!!!
Anyway, I am finding that, for whatever reason, that I am respected as a poster. I don't know nor understand why. Truly. I am finding how much these people touch me and it makes me smile so broadly. It's almost embarrassing. Yet, I will be more honest than that. It makes me weep. I cannot believe that anyone would read what I write and believe is such good stuff. I know, that may not sound right and may even come across major goofy. But, it's truth. It's like I am another person typing away and there are others that actually believe in the words. I am stunned on every level. What do they "see" that I cannot for myself when it all comes from me??? After all this time it is beginning to dawn on me that I really may be that person who posts away and she doesn't suck so much. THAT causes me to weep more. So many have seen the woman I am that I never, ever knew. I had no idea existed. I didn't think she ever could. How amazing is that?
It's funny how over that last year I have learned so much. A crash education concerning life, people, family, and me. We spend a lifetime trying to do the best we can, be the best we can, and live the best we can. But, in trying to do the "best" we lose. We lose the true essence of the person our heart is because we are so busy trying to do the "best". Lessons are far from done, but I must state here the most heart humbling class that I have learned from.....
Never doubt the person you are. Always believe in the very truth of your person. Stay humble. Hold dear the people who "see" who you are as the whole package. They are friends. They are family even if they are not from blood. They nurture your essence of being. To them is I say, from my very heart and soul, thank you for allowing me to be me. And, holding me as someone who can touch your life as well. You keep me ~breathing~ and blooming as the potential rose that I will be. Thank you for such gifts.
Anyway, I am finding that, for whatever reason, that I am respected as a poster. I don't know nor understand why. Truly. I am finding how much these people touch me and it makes me smile so broadly. It's almost embarrassing. Yet, I will be more honest than that. It makes me weep. I cannot believe that anyone would read what I write and believe is such good stuff. I know, that may not sound right and may even come across major goofy. But, it's truth. It's like I am another person typing away and there are others that actually believe in the words. I am stunned on every level. What do they "see" that I cannot for myself when it all comes from me??? After all this time it is beginning to dawn on me that I really may be that person who posts away and she doesn't suck so much. THAT causes me to weep more. So many have seen the woman I am that I never, ever knew. I had no idea existed. I didn't think she ever could. How amazing is that?
It's funny how over that last year I have learned so much. A crash education concerning life, people, family, and me. We spend a lifetime trying to do the best we can, be the best we can, and live the best we can. But, in trying to do the "best" we lose. We lose the true essence of the person our heart is because we are so busy trying to do the "best". Lessons are far from done, but I must state here the most heart humbling class that I have learned from.....
Never doubt the person you are. Always believe in the very truth of your person. Stay humble. Hold dear the people who "see" who you are as the whole package. They are friends. They are family even if they are not from blood. They nurture your essence of being. To them is I say, from my very heart and soul, thank you for allowing me to be me. And, holding me as someone who can touch your life as well. You keep me ~breathing~ and blooming as the potential rose that I will be. Thank you for such gifts.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Different day, same "stuff"
I know I have been lack in posting. It's been nearly a month since I posted. But, as the old saying goes, different day, same crap.
I am truly exhausted. Sadly, I wish it was because of physical energy spent, however it's not. I was thinking today how damn buff I'd be if that was true! Mind of a spent divorcee, but body of a (grin) 45 year old. These times so make a mind weary. How do I make changes when so much around me will not allow it? I have such negative feedback. No matter what I have to do, need to do, or choose to do it's not "right". I am tired of explaining legal shit. It's out of my hands. Yes, I have legal counseling. Yes, they have done the best they can concerning me. Yes, I checked it all out and have spoken to whoever I need to simply to verify fact. Yes, I keep applying for jobs. I am doing it all to the very best that I can!!! Is there not one freaking person who hears me????
What the hell am I suppose to do when the laws are fixed, the economy is "what it is", and it's not for the lack of doing what ever I can to be where I have to be? What the hell am I suppose to do? I am tired of hearing where I am, to put it bluntly, failing myself. If so many "know better, if so many are wiser "what I should do" or "are you sure you had the right counseling" opinions that I have not, then YOU take my life scenerio on. I am doing the g-damn best that I can with what I have. Sweet Mary, cut me some damn slack. I know this is a vent, but I am exhausted knowing, from "concern" how I continually fail. These same people who are not, but through conversation on the phone, telling me from their concerned hearts, what I need to do and how.
Okay..this is huge rant. Be prepared as I have an opportunity to let it out. Ready???
I have done this divorce shit all alone. There has not been one person next to me, supporting me, or even sharing a g-damn mac and cheese dinner with me. Who the hell are you all to tell me "whatever"??? If you think for one moment I EVER believed someone would step in and "fix this", you are so very, very sadly mistaken. I never, ever asked for a damn thing, so why would I think, for one nano second, someone would "fix this" for me? This is the hardest part of my life I have ever gone through. The only thing that could possibly be worse, other than watching/supporting the inevitable death of my mother would be one of my children. One of my beloved gifts of my life. I am imperfect where I have not had past experience to lean on as knowledge to help guide me. Ugh......
Okay, vent over. For now. :o ) This is what I know. Today. Tomorrow will be different, to be sure... There are going to be days that I need to rant/vent. There are going to be days that the bottom feels gone and I have nowhere to place strong footing. There will be days that the grief is totally overwhelming. Where I will sob from my very heart and soul, Where even breathing is a horrific task. *But*, I will do it. I have been doing it. My time will come. I will continue to try, to ~breathe~ in the calm, and I will be okay. Time is not our friend and it comes/goes as it needs to. However, I have no doubt that as it passes, I will find my space within it. And I will find that eventual peace. The "work" that I have been through, lived through, and believe in will come. Damn the negative feedback and the doubt. I will do it. For me. For (((me)))....
I am truly exhausted. Sadly, I wish it was because of physical energy spent, however it's not. I was thinking today how damn buff I'd be if that was true! Mind of a spent divorcee, but body of a (grin) 45 year old. These times so make a mind weary. How do I make changes when so much around me will not allow it? I have such negative feedback. No matter what I have to do, need to do, or choose to do it's not "right". I am tired of explaining legal shit. It's out of my hands. Yes, I have legal counseling. Yes, they have done the best they can concerning me. Yes, I checked it all out and have spoken to whoever I need to simply to verify fact. Yes, I keep applying for jobs. I am doing it all to the very best that I can!!! Is there not one freaking person who hears me????
What the hell am I suppose to do when the laws are fixed, the economy is "what it is", and it's not for the lack of doing what ever I can to be where I have to be? What the hell am I suppose to do? I am tired of hearing where I am, to put it bluntly, failing myself. If so many "know better, if so many are wiser "what I should do" or "are you sure you had the right counseling" opinions that I have not, then YOU take my life scenerio on. I am doing the g-damn best that I can with what I have. Sweet Mary, cut me some damn slack. I know this is a vent, but I am exhausted knowing, from "concern" how I continually fail. These same people who are not, but through conversation on the phone, telling me from their concerned hearts, what I need to do and how.
Okay..this is huge rant. Be prepared as I have an opportunity to let it out. Ready???
I have done this divorce shit all alone. There has not been one person next to me, supporting me, or even sharing a g-damn mac and cheese dinner with me. Who the hell are you all to tell me "whatever"??? If you think for one moment I EVER believed someone would step in and "fix this", you are so very, very sadly mistaken. I never, ever asked for a damn thing, so why would I think, for one nano second, someone would "fix this" for me? This is the hardest part of my life I have ever gone through. The only thing that could possibly be worse, other than watching/supporting the inevitable death of my mother would be one of my children. One of my beloved gifts of my life. I am imperfect where I have not had past experience to lean on as knowledge to help guide me. Ugh......
Okay, vent over. For now. :o ) This is what I know. Today. Tomorrow will be different, to be sure... There are going to be days that I need to rant/vent. There are going to be days that the bottom feels gone and I have nowhere to place strong footing. There will be days that the grief is totally overwhelming. Where I will sob from my very heart and soul, Where even breathing is a horrific task. *But*, I will do it. I have been doing it. My time will come. I will continue to try, to ~breathe~ in the calm, and I will be okay. Time is not our friend and it comes/goes as it needs to. However, I have no doubt that as it passes, I will find my space within it. And I will find that eventual peace. The "work" that I have been through, lived through, and believe in will come. Damn the negative feedback and the doubt. I will do it. For me. For (((me)))....
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
It's been a posting while...
There have been some life changes over the last several weeks. Some good, some not so good. That said, that's life, is it not? Yes, that's truth no matter how you look at it. Anyway, I have so many thoughts since last posting, but I'll simply try to just *be* tonight and not ramble on too much. All good for anyone who reads here. :o )
I know I have been a true mess for soooo many months. Any person going through a breakup or the ending of a marriage appreciates what that means. The pressure to "move on" has been HUGE (no fault of anyone who only want the best for me, to be sure), but I have/am learning that my schedule of healing and letting go is only mine. It's not about dwelling or not accepting, but it's about grief of loss. Loss of a long term marriage, loss of family, and the loss of a love I truly held deeply within my being. Frankly, I must be honest. I always "loved" my ex husband, but I had absolutely no idea how deeply I held him within my heart. Isn't that always the way. ~Sigh~
So here it is. I will continue to move on at *my* speed. It may not be fast and it may still have moments where I am imperfect (sobbing times and not behaving as the old me), but I am doing it. I will ***always*** miss my old friend, the shape of his hands when he held mine, or the intensity of his eyes when he was truly himself looking into mine. This is my time of work. No one elses. If any person, whomever trips upon my writing and is going through such a difficult time reads this, please remember this. For what it's worth....
Breathe. Do not ever let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. Behave or shouldn't behave. Just try and find yourself and at your time speed. You are never to fix anything for anyone, but (((you))). I'm beginning to think that we cannot move on to a better life if we do not put ourselves first. I'm finally getting that it's not selfish and we deserve *us* first before others. Nothing like getting past that old Catholic guilt! LOL!
I'm going to be *me*. No more worries about how I come across to anyone. Besides, isn't that how we always should be? Our true self??? I mean, DUH! So, I may be loud at times, ramble/babble in conversations, laugh much over stupid stuff, and not be real knowledgable on many topics. But, I will always be *me*. I really like that. :o )
I know I have been a true mess for soooo many months. Any person going through a breakup or the ending of a marriage appreciates what that means. The pressure to "move on" has been HUGE (no fault of anyone who only want the best for me, to be sure), but I have/am learning that my schedule of healing and letting go is only mine. It's not about dwelling or not accepting, but it's about grief of loss. Loss of a long term marriage, loss of family, and the loss of a love I truly held deeply within my being. Frankly, I must be honest. I always "loved" my ex husband, but I had absolutely no idea how deeply I held him within my heart. Isn't that always the way. ~Sigh~
So here it is. I will continue to move on at *my* speed. It may not be fast and it may still have moments where I am imperfect (sobbing times and not behaving as the old me), but I am doing it. I will ***always*** miss my old friend, the shape of his hands when he held mine, or the intensity of his eyes when he was truly himself looking into mine. This is my time of work. No one elses. If any person, whomever trips upon my writing and is going through such a difficult time reads this, please remember this. For what it's worth....
Breathe. Do not ever let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. Behave or shouldn't behave. Just try and find yourself and at your time speed. You are never to fix anything for anyone, but (((you))). I'm beginning to think that we cannot move on to a better life if we do not put ourselves first. I'm finally getting that it's not selfish and we deserve *us* first before others. Nothing like getting past that old Catholic guilt! LOL!
I'm going to be *me*. No more worries about how I come across to anyone. Besides, isn't that how we always should be? Our true self??? I mean, DUH! So, I may be loud at times, ramble/babble in conversations, laugh much over stupid stuff, and not be real knowledgable on many topics. But, I will always be *me*. I really like that. :o )
Monday, January 19, 2009
Gawd, I miss (((Hugs)))
Ever have one of those days when you miss something so crucial to your need of being nurtured that you wish there was a way to find it? I'm having one of those days. Every now and again, it hits me. Hard. Today, all I would absolutely love is to be able to curl up, very tight, next to someone and be engulfed in a body hug. You know the kind I mean. The "in snuggle comfy clothes, all tucked into the fold of someone's warm body, with their arm across your shoulder holding you close" kinda hug.
I miss that more than I can describe. It's not just be on the receiving end, but also being the one to provide that. I miss it so much. How do some people exist without that precious human touch in their lives? It's been such a long year here for me without that and I cannot possibly imagine living the rest of my life without such ~touch~. It's not about sex or anything remotely close to that. It's truly about human closeness. I know we all must eat for our bodies to survive, but what about the emotional comfort? Does that not help us be as healthy within our own soul, our heart and mind, feel whole as a person? I truly think it does.
I feel as if I'm some wilting plant. The lack of water. Lack of much needed nutrients for survival. To have someone who could foster this soul with such caring, I know I could find my blooms. I could show my colors. So bright, so fresh, and so lasting.
I miss that more than I can describe. It's not just be on the receiving end, but also being the one to provide that. I miss it so much. How do some people exist without that precious human touch in their lives? It's been such a long year here for me without that and I cannot possibly imagine living the rest of my life without such ~touch~. It's not about sex or anything remotely close to that. It's truly about human closeness. I know we all must eat for our bodies to survive, but what about the emotional comfort? Does that not help us be as healthy within our own soul, our heart and mind, feel whole as a person? I truly think it does.
I feel as if I'm some wilting plant. The lack of water. Lack of much needed nutrients for survival. To have someone who could foster this soul with such caring, I know I could find my blooms. I could show my colors. So bright, so fresh, and so lasting.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Ever have an unrelenting "nag"???
I don't know why or what it is, but it has been with me for the last several weeks. Something is not "right". To be fair, it's not like I haven't experienced some surprises (not the "omg, this is *GREAT*" kind) in the past or lately and that may have me feeling a little hyperviligent in terms of expecting something. That said, I cannot get rid of this ~feeling~ that there is something simply wrong. Worse, it feels like it'll be big. So, what do you do with that? You'd think I was being paranoid, but even when I try to decifer/rationalize that thought, I honestly cannot. My children have been noticably absent. Oldest son, whose birthday was last Thursday, was suppose to come by on Friday. He called me back Thursday night and we made plans. He never showed. I called and left a message on Saturday wishing him well and to get back to me when he could. He has not. I've left messages with my 2 daughter's. Nothing. Something is not right. Not just because of that, but I think more is going on behind the scenes that I'm not aware of. Call it, "Mother's intuition". I hate this shit. I'm rarely wrong when it comes to them. Very rarely. It's the bane to their existance, how I have this motherly ESP. Ugh...
I have no doubt that if anyone were to read this, they would understand the term, "waiting for the other shoe to drop". I can't rid of it. I hope my guys are okay and this has nothing to do with any decision that their father is making. I'm afraid it may and this could be a reason why I have not heard from them. I know, I know....there's nothing I can do about it if it is. But, I *hate* what this year has cost them. How it has hurt them. How it has changed everything that they thought they knew about family. Their Mom and Dad. That all was not what they may have thought to begin with and they have to work through what they believed was a "truth" when it was not. Been there and had to deal with that myself. It hurts, it's hard, and it's difficult work to redefine that part of believed history. I so worry and hurt for them. If there was anything, absolutely anything that I could do to help or fix, I would in a heartbeat. They never deserved this. Never, ever deserved this.
Okay, on an different note, it snowed here. Again. I would just like to share that snow is a beautiful blanket covering, especially at night. When the moon is bright and it's glow shines off that shiny white frozen landscape. Yeah, well, enough with the damn white blanket and freaking glow already. It's already cost me $120 for the plow guy in less than 3 weeks. My driveway is nothing, but a sheet of ice (Northern exposure, of course), I'm driving this goofy uber light macho 6 speed (why do you need a 6 speed manual? Really??) 2 door coupe that has absolutely no weight or traction (though, I will say that if it was summer, I'd look soooo cool in it wearing my shades, music blasting. Yeah, I'm pseudo 18. Though, a little less "perky" everywhere), and it's g-damn freaking cold!!! I'm talking the whole witch here!!! I miss having a butt warmer...yes, I *am* a baby. First time in 18 years I didn't have some heated warmth before the car was ready to put out some serious heat. It's all about the butt and lower back. So shoot me...
I am definitely not going to stay here, in this part of the country. I may have been born a New Englander, but I will never be able to say I love this Season as so many can who have been here for generations. Besides, change is good. I have sweatshirts to get me by no matter where I end up and a coat I may have to drag out for only several weeks of the Winter somewhere else. I love that thought. I love it alot!
Well, major long post tonight and it's time to let it end now. Stay warm, wherever you are. And, if you have a butt warmer in your car, think of me and then smile. Your ass is warmer than mine. :o )
I have no doubt that if anyone were to read this, they would understand the term, "waiting for the other shoe to drop". I can't rid of it. I hope my guys are okay and this has nothing to do with any decision that their father is making. I'm afraid it may and this could be a reason why I have not heard from them. I know, I know....there's nothing I can do about it if it is. But, I *hate* what this year has cost them. How it has hurt them. How it has changed everything that they thought they knew about family. Their Mom and Dad. That all was not what they may have thought to begin with and they have to work through what they believed was a "truth" when it was not. Been there and had to deal with that myself. It hurts, it's hard, and it's difficult work to redefine that part of believed history. I so worry and hurt for them. If there was anything, absolutely anything that I could do to help or fix, I would in a heartbeat. They never deserved this. Never, ever deserved this.
Okay, on an different note, it snowed here. Again. I would just like to share that snow is a beautiful blanket covering, especially at night. When the moon is bright and it's glow shines off that shiny white frozen landscape. Yeah, well, enough with the damn white blanket and freaking glow already. It's already cost me $120 for the plow guy in less than 3 weeks. My driveway is nothing, but a sheet of ice (Northern exposure, of course), I'm driving this goofy uber light macho 6 speed (why do you need a 6 speed manual? Really??) 2 door coupe that has absolutely no weight or traction (though, I will say that if it was summer, I'd look soooo cool in it wearing my shades, music blasting. Yeah, I'm pseudo 18. Though, a little less "perky" everywhere), and it's g-damn freaking cold!!! I'm talking the whole witch here!!! I miss having a butt warmer...yes, I *am* a baby. First time in 18 years I didn't have some heated warmth before the car was ready to put out some serious heat. It's all about the butt and lower back. So shoot me...
I am definitely not going to stay here, in this part of the country. I may have been born a New Englander, but I will never be able to say I love this Season as so many can who have been here for generations. Besides, change is good. I have sweatshirts to get me by no matter where I end up and a coat I may have to drag out for only several weeks of the Winter somewhere else. I love that thought. I love it alot!
Well, major long post tonight and it's time to let it end now. Stay warm, wherever you are. And, if you have a butt warmer in your car, think of me and then smile. Your ass is warmer than mine. :o )
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Weirded out
It's been several days since I was last here. My four legged friends stayed around for just as many days. I named them Moe, Larry, and Curley. I know they were females, but I figured since they were wearing their Winter coats, they wouldn't mind so much by the male names. It was funny. Two of them, on Wednesday morning, were jumping around like they were celebrating Spring. Seriously, just enjoying the early morning as baby Spring lambs do. It was hysterical to watch. I guess they had their fill of the free munch on my bushes buffet because they haven't been back. Still, they truly gave me such huge smiles for those days they were here.
I went out last night and met up with 2 friends I've known since High School. It is always fun and we laugh *much*! There was a man at the restaurant that kept trying to "hook" with me. This is where the "weirded out" comes in. He was a nice enough man. To be fair, not a person I would even be the slightest bit interested in. Okay, it didn't help that we were talking about the car I'm driving at the moment and I made a joke concerning a manual 6 speed and I have know idea why you would need a 6th gear to begin with. He than proceeded to make comments concerning how I shift the stick shift and how smoothly do I do it. Several times. One word: Ewwwwww!!!! I mean, what the Hell? How old are you anyway??? I wanted to be my total smartass self and reply that I have driven manuals many times and there is nothing worse than a jerk start, but I didn't. I'm sure you can imagine, knowing me, that there *SO* many rude and crude thoughts flowing through my head. No shocker there. Anyway, given all that, this was the very first time I have ever been approached by another man. Well, since I've been single recently and it was very disturbing. In the past, it was no big deal and I would simply laugh it off because I had in my life the only man I have ever wanted in it. It gave me such comfort knowing I already had someone I loved and I could blow this person off and not think twice about it. Flattering, yes. But never, ever even a nano second of thought after it was over and I moved on and away.
I don't have that now. Worse, all I wanted was my ex to come strolling over looking for me, touching the small of my back letting me know he was there, and then moving on. For some reason, when this would happen (not often, thankfully) I was never so proud to be his woman. His wife. No one elses. How do people do this? How does any person, man or woman, who had a significant other they loved even begin to entertain the mere thought of another let alone do this whole "prowl" thing? It wasn't even flattering to me on any level. It actually made my reality more real. I actually feel more lost. I couldn't understand why I have been in such a sad funk today and this is why. I miss the man who left me a long time ago. I miss the security of that hug, that touch that reminded me that I was loved. Cherished. It is very apparent that I have a long way to go before I will be comfortable within my own skin before I can believe I am worthy of that kind of heart love. Heart trust in a relationship. I do not ever want to feel this grief ever again. I do not want to screw it up if I am ever given that gift again.
Oh, and for what it's worth, there will NEVER be a joined dating site, club hopping, or any of that "put yourself out there" crap. I think I will truly gamble simply meeting people in this world and trust that maybe, someday, I will be fortunate enough to have someone bump into me and I, them. I think it's a worthy gamble and the odds just may pay in my favor. And hopefully, someone else's.
I went out last night and met up with 2 friends I've known since High School. It is always fun and we laugh *much*! There was a man at the restaurant that kept trying to "hook" with me. This is where the "weirded out" comes in. He was a nice enough man. To be fair, not a person I would even be the slightest bit interested in. Okay, it didn't help that we were talking about the car I'm driving at the moment and I made a joke concerning a manual 6 speed and I have know idea why you would need a 6th gear to begin with. He than proceeded to make comments concerning how I shift the stick shift and how smoothly do I do it. Several times. One word: Ewwwwww!!!! I mean, what the Hell? How old are you anyway??? I wanted to be my total smartass self and reply that I have driven manuals many times and there is nothing worse than a jerk start, but I didn't. I'm sure you can imagine, knowing me, that there *SO* many rude and crude thoughts flowing through my head. No shocker there. Anyway, given all that, this was the very first time I have ever been approached by another man. Well, since I've been single recently and it was very disturbing. In the past, it was no big deal and I would simply laugh it off because I had in my life the only man I have ever wanted in it. It gave me such comfort knowing I already had someone I loved and I could blow this person off and not think twice about it. Flattering, yes. But never, ever even a nano second of thought after it was over and I moved on and away.
I don't have that now. Worse, all I wanted was my ex to come strolling over looking for me, touching the small of my back letting me know he was there, and then moving on. For some reason, when this would happen (not often, thankfully) I was never so proud to be his woman. His wife. No one elses. How do people do this? How does any person, man or woman, who had a significant other they loved even begin to entertain the mere thought of another let alone do this whole "prowl" thing? It wasn't even flattering to me on any level. It actually made my reality more real. I actually feel more lost. I couldn't understand why I have been in such a sad funk today and this is why. I miss the man who left me a long time ago. I miss the security of that hug, that touch that reminded me that I was loved. Cherished. It is very apparent that I have a long way to go before I will be comfortable within my own skin before I can believe I am worthy of that kind of heart love. Heart trust in a relationship. I do not ever want to feel this grief ever again. I do not want to screw it up if I am ever given that gift again.
Oh, and for what it's worth, there will NEVER be a joined dating site, club hopping, or any of that "put yourself out there" crap. I think I will truly gamble simply meeting people in this world and trust that maybe, someday, I will be fortunate enough to have someone bump into me and I, them. I think it's a worthy gamble and the odds just may pay in my favor. And hopefully, someone else's.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Calm after the 48 hour "flare"
This morning a woke up early and came downstairs to get my coffeemaker going. I looked out my front window and saw critter tracks everywhere. There have been many four legged animals about over the last week. Fox, coyote, and deer. Coyote were making noise earlier today, but it's always in the wee hours of the day. Anyway, I have always found it so wonderful to look outside and witness the animal traffic tracks in white snow. Here are creatures, so small and some so very big, making a passing visit through my yard and you never would know they were there if not for snow groundcover. Makes me smile.
I pour my coffee, put on the Weather Channel, and catch up on the early day weather promises for the world. Time for the second mug. I walk back into the kitchen and look out the window of the sink and there are deer strolling in my backyard. 3 does munching away on whatever they munch on during the Winter. For the entire morning and until 2 p.m. this afternoon they hung out. All 3, at one point, took naps. 2 out of the 3 laid on the ground, all curled up like we see our cat or dog do while the 3rd one also laid down, but kept it's head/ears alert. More fascinating was how they would take turns doing this. One on first watch got a break from one of the other deers and tucked it's head. Amazing. It got me thinking...
Families are like a small herd of deer. Especially, as we get older and have our own herd. We stick together, walk our own path to find what we need, and may not interact much. Together, yet separated. Not too close, not too far away, either But, when it comes down to being safe we take turns protecting the other so they may rest. It's nothing that is planned. We just "do it". Instinct.
What is unfortunate sometimes is Nature has it's own plan for change of that dynamic. Just like the 4th deer that showed up did to this group. The other 3 were not disturbed when she walked up to them. In fact, they just laid there like that had been. But, then she went up to one of them and started sniffing about. That caused that deer to get up, shake the snow off and walk away from her. Then, they were gone. This one deer came and interrupted the quiet and peaceful time they were having. I realized I have done that to my herd of family. I was once walking like they were, getting what I need, and following a path that was the same yet, not in any of their lines of walking. I had to break away and I came back only to disrupt. No intent intended, but I did. Even if they think they know where I have been. I could have been out in the far left of the fields, but for all they know I have been to the right.
I think it is time for me to find a new field. A place that I can make my home, find the nurturing food I need, and expand what my herd once was. Make my own path in the snow and hopefully, when someone looks out their window, they will smile that I passed by and left my mark I was there.
I pour my coffee, put on the Weather Channel, and catch up on the early day weather promises for the world. Time for the second mug. I walk back into the kitchen and look out the window of the sink and there are deer strolling in my backyard. 3 does munching away on whatever they munch on during the Winter. For the entire morning and until 2 p.m. this afternoon they hung out. All 3, at one point, took naps. 2 out of the 3 laid on the ground, all curled up like we see our cat or dog do while the 3rd one also laid down, but kept it's head/ears alert. More fascinating was how they would take turns doing this. One on first watch got a break from one of the other deers and tucked it's head. Amazing. It got me thinking...
Families are like a small herd of deer. Especially, as we get older and have our own herd. We stick together, walk our own path to find what we need, and may not interact much. Together, yet separated. Not too close, not too far away, either But, when it comes down to being safe we take turns protecting the other so they may rest. It's nothing that is planned. We just "do it". Instinct.
What is unfortunate sometimes is Nature has it's own plan for change of that dynamic. Just like the 4th deer that showed up did to this group. The other 3 were not disturbed when she walked up to them. In fact, they just laid there like that had been. But, then she went up to one of them and started sniffing about. That caused that deer to get up, shake the snow off and walk away from her. Then, they were gone. This one deer came and interrupted the quiet and peaceful time they were having. I realized I have done that to my herd of family. I was once walking like they were, getting what I need, and following a path that was the same yet, not in any of their lines of walking. I had to break away and I came back only to disrupt. No intent intended, but I did. Even if they think they know where I have been. I could have been out in the far left of the fields, but for all they know I have been to the right.
I think it is time for me to find a new field. A place that I can make my home, find the nurturing food I need, and expand what my herd once was. Make my own path in the snow and hopefully, when someone looks out their window, they will smile that I passed by and left my mark I was there.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I'm so very tired. Literally and figurtively...
I was up late last night talking with my brother and didn't hit bed until the early hours of the morning. My head was busy thinking about what we chatted about. Up early with a mind that couldn't stop. I have to work on these 4 a.m. self wake-up hours. It's beyond absurd that I am functioning on no more than 4-5 hours of sleep every night. So many concerns and worries that I cannot erase, if just only for a brief time snuggled in my bed. Geez, this is getting really old....
I know I have not too many choices right now. It's so unsettling. If I could, today even, I would pack up all that I want and need and move far, far away Away from my past. Away from family. Away from words that I constantly hear within my head as if they are truth spoken to me. Of course, for my own betterment and out of love/concern. I do not mean that as harsh as it may come across. What has been said and shared is, I have no doubt, out of love. But, so much of what "truth" that is "observed" from afar concerning me is so wrong. Add in timing of needing to hear all this, well, I pretty much suck as an individual and I'm feeling pretty battered as one.
I am flawed on soooo many possible levels. For years I had been informed, by the very person I held so deep within my heart, exactly what kind a woman that I am. He knew me better than I knew myself. Why I said the things I said. Why I did what I would do. Why I behaved the way that I did. Apparently, he may not have been too far off the mark. Even as I write this, I can hear him, and my family, saying I am being a "self defeatest pity making get off your ass others have it worse than you you know it's because we love you why do you think you have to explain anything your actions and behaviours cause concern this has been happening for awhile now but here's the thing all has been said because we love" tape. Okay. Fine. Thank you for sharing.
My therapist will have some continued work to do with, huh. For some reason, she thinks I have some self esteem issues. I wonder why that is??? I'll ask her, again, on Thursday. She's the Pro. Maybe I can be enlightened. More lessons to be learned. I'm really beginning to hate that word. "Lessons". I wonder if she'll give me a couple of gold stars when I *finally* finish this grade school of life. Perhaps even a diploma. I could hang it up next to my divorce decree...
I know I have not too many choices right now. It's so unsettling. If I could, today even, I would pack up all that I want and need and move far, far away Away from my past. Away from family. Away from words that I constantly hear within my head as if they are truth spoken to me. Of course, for my own betterment and out of love/concern. I do not mean that as harsh as it may come across. What has been said and shared is, I have no doubt, out of love. But, so much of what "truth" that is "observed" from afar concerning me is so wrong. Add in timing of needing to hear all this, well, I pretty much suck as an individual and I'm feeling pretty battered as one.
I am flawed on soooo many possible levels. For years I had been informed, by the very person I held so deep within my heart, exactly what kind a woman that I am. He knew me better than I knew myself. Why I said the things I said. Why I did what I would do. Why I behaved the way that I did. Apparently, he may not have been too far off the mark. Even as I write this, I can hear him, and my family, saying I am being a "self defeatest pity making get off your ass others have it worse than you you know it's because we love you why do you think you have to explain anything your actions and behaviours cause concern this has been happening for awhile now but here's the thing all has been said because we love" tape. Okay. Fine. Thank you for sharing.
My therapist will have some continued work to do with, huh. For some reason, she thinks I have some self esteem issues. I wonder why that is??? I'll ask her, again, on Thursday. She's the Pro. Maybe I can be enlightened. More lessons to be learned. I'm really beginning to hate that word. "Lessons". I wonder if she'll give me a couple of gold stars when I *finally* finish this grade school of life. Perhaps even a diploma. I could hang it up next to my divorce decree...
Sunday, January 11, 2009
One more thing gone...
Today, my car went away. Ex has it and I have his lease until I can buy a car. One more thing left to go and that is home. I cannot express, in words, how all this feels. Everything is coming to an end now. One more thing left.
How do we all get to this place? I still cannot wrap my head around it. I worked and loved my family. I believed, from the very essence of me, I was doing the right thing. My husband first, children second, and everything else was last. I told my ex that he was loved today and asked that he never forgot that. He told me he wasn't sure of my love for him. Christ. What can one person do to prove their love for another??? I do not get that. How should/could I proved that he was the only important person in my life that he would believe? After all this time, how could I have done that? I gave him the *all* of me. That was not enough? Turn it around. What had he shared to me that let me know *I* was loved? What I do not get is what was my job for all and not have it returned. This was a one sided deal???
Spoke with my brother tonight and he will touch base later in the evening. It seems to me, not from him mind you, that I have so much to prove to my family. I have been defined, in the lack of a better description, of the woman I am or have become. I have been accused of drinking too much. Family history and dynamics. Gotta love it. This from people who have had nothing to do with me, have been around me (save for a night or brief weekend..that's twice since the Spring.) for like "whenever".
I have done this separation/divorce crap by myself. I hit the lowest of lows in the depression thing. As I mentioned prior post, I have the sofa cushions to prove it. How do I ever explain or justify that I may be "loud" in voice when we all meet up because I am so HAPPY to be with them as well as getting louder when I have some beverages at that time? Apparently, I get louder. Sigh. I *so* suck at just being me. How do I change a behaviour of myself that makes others more comfortable? This makes me so damn sad. It wasn't enough for ex and I cannot just be *me* with anyone. Christ.... why cannot I not simply be me without being what many believe I should behave as? I don't get it. What am I missing? I hate being such a judged failure or flawed person. Is there nothing worth in me that any person in my life can see without false view or opinion???
I miss my Rory. He did, my four pawed Oreo. Unconditional love. I truly miss stroking his neurotic body. I really, really do....
How do we all get to this place? I still cannot wrap my head around it. I worked and loved my family. I believed, from the very essence of me, I was doing the right thing. My husband first, children second, and everything else was last. I told my ex that he was loved today and asked that he never forgot that. He told me he wasn't sure of my love for him. Christ. What can one person do to prove their love for another??? I do not get that. How should/could I proved that he was the only important person in my life that he would believe? After all this time, how could I have done that? I gave him the *all* of me. That was not enough? Turn it around. What had he shared to me that let me know *I* was loved? What I do not get is what was my job for all and not have it returned. This was a one sided deal???
Spoke with my brother tonight and he will touch base later in the evening. It seems to me, not from him mind you, that I have so much to prove to my family. I have been defined, in the lack of a better description, of the woman I am or have become. I have been accused of drinking too much. Family history and dynamics. Gotta love it. This from people who have had nothing to do with me, have been around me (save for a night or brief weekend..that's twice since the Spring.) for like "whenever".
I have done this separation/divorce crap by myself. I hit the lowest of lows in the depression thing. As I mentioned prior post, I have the sofa cushions to prove it. How do I ever explain or justify that I may be "loud" in voice when we all meet up because I am so HAPPY to be with them as well as getting louder when I have some beverages at that time? Apparently, I get louder. Sigh. I *so* suck at just being me. How do I change a behaviour of myself that makes others more comfortable? This makes me so damn sad. It wasn't enough for ex and I cannot just be *me* with anyone. Christ.... why cannot I not simply be me without being what many believe I should behave as? I don't get it. What am I missing? I hate being such a judged failure or flawed person. Is there nothing worth in me that any person in my life can see without false view or opinion???
I miss my Rory. He did, my four pawed Oreo. Unconditional love. I truly miss stroking his neurotic body. I really, really do....
Saturday, January 10, 2009
OL's Bucket List
I read that "The Bucket List" was going to be on HBO and it got me thinking. Now, I've never seen the movie, but I do remember what the concept was. So I thought I would wite my own "list" of some of the things I would love to do before I die. I figure the list can be very long considering I plan on living forever. Maybe the "living forever" should be first on my bucket list. Just a thought....
1. I want to go to Ireland for a month. I have family history on the Isle and I would love to be where they live. I want to stay in a home that has a moss thatched roof. Hit a pub, drink warm beer (I'll have to do home drinking tutorials first. 'cause, "BLECH!), and pretend to know songs that the regulars enjoy singing. I wonder what happen to my Irish Rover albums???
2. To go shopping, buy a magnificent dress, hair/makeup, and have an amazing dinner at an amazing restaurant. Basically, feel and look like a woman. I know, that sounds so very silly and vain, but I have never done that for the simple reason for wanting to feel beautiful. With a meal. I'll pay....
3. Climb Mt. Everest. That's bullshit, but I thought I should toss in something admirable. I would rather have extensive root canals in one sitting than climb that damn mountain.
4. Be the most loving, supportive, and Queen of Spoiling Grandmother. EVER. Well, hopefully my kids will have kids since I can't follow that plan until they do....
5. Have my *own* home filled with warmth, the essence of me, and a deck for my grille for family summer get togethers. Maybe even another pet...maybe. Something that is mine so I never feel like I "owe" any person anything ever again. I *did* it. That would be amazing....
Geesh. Only 5 things not counting the bogus #3. Cool......
1. I want to go to Ireland for a month. I have family history on the Isle and I would love to be where they live. I want to stay in a home that has a moss thatched roof. Hit a pub, drink warm beer (I'll have to do home drinking tutorials first. 'cause, "BLECH!), and pretend to know songs that the regulars enjoy singing. I wonder what happen to my Irish Rover albums???
2. To go shopping, buy a magnificent dress, hair/makeup, and have an amazing dinner at an amazing restaurant. Basically, feel and look like a woman. I know, that sounds so very silly and vain, but I have never done that for the simple reason for wanting to feel beautiful. With a meal. I'll pay....
3. Climb Mt. Everest. That's bullshit, but I thought I should toss in something admirable. I would rather have extensive root canals in one sitting than climb that damn mountain.
4. Be the most loving, supportive, and Queen of Spoiling Grandmother. EVER. Well, hopefully my kids will have kids since I can't follow that plan until they do....
5. Have my *own* home filled with warmth, the essence of me, and a deck for my grille for family summer get togethers. Maybe even another pet...maybe. Something that is mine so I never feel like I "owe" any person anything ever again. I *did* it. That would be amazing....
Geesh. Only 5 things not counting the bogus #3. Cool......
Friday, January 9, 2009
Breathing after the emotional storm
Thank God for today! LOL!!! I know I will have moments, but what I hate most is that they are *always* concerning Dave. I was thinking this morning how I never take Pepcid anymore. Well, save for when I indulge in really nasty food groups. Like, Wise Potato Chips or Tostitos with that waaaay bad for you salsa cheese dip. Heh, heh, heh...
I guess I'm really digesting how much I really was stressed out over the years. Don't get me wrong, the man I married so many years ago was NOTHING like the one that exists walking in that shell now. Even into early/mid 2007, all I would have to do was think of him while simply driving home from the market and my heart would literally palpitate. I would sing! Seriously, I must have been quite the sight with others driving in the opposite direction. 48 years old and that man could *still* make my heart beat extra beats. He was funny, gentle, and could share the greatest hugs that wouldn't just hold me tight in arms embrace. They went deeply into my very soul.... Then, he "died". He went very far away. Never to be found again.
That is what I have been grieving over all this time. The anger I have felt. The true depression I slipped into for months. I have the sofa cushion impressions of my butt to prove that one. Ugh... I did not handle the past 18 months well, to be sure. If I am going to be honest, I yelled, cried, pleaded, and accused. I WAS a desperate wife living in fear. I didn't just ask for answeres, I demanded them. That, for anyone who has no clue about relationships, is how you help destroy communications. I'm not taking all the blame here, too be sure! But, I let my sheer fear of losing my marriage take over for me. His excuse, I will never know except to hear the running memory tapes of his words within my head. I would prefer to let those tapes die. They will. Someday.
Anywho, I am not just a new divorcee. I was a "widow" before that. I will say this and mean if from the very heart of my being. I loved him. I loved him more than even I understood. I will miss him very, very much. As for the alien that lives in his body now, well, I hope you find the earthly needs you so crave.
I guess I'm really digesting how much I really was stressed out over the years. Don't get me wrong, the man I married so many years ago was NOTHING like the one that exists walking in that shell now. Even into early/mid 2007, all I would have to do was think of him while simply driving home from the market and my heart would literally palpitate. I would sing! Seriously, I must have been quite the sight with others driving in the opposite direction. 48 years old and that man could *still* make my heart beat extra beats. He was funny, gentle, and could share the greatest hugs that wouldn't just hold me tight in arms embrace. They went deeply into my very soul.... Then, he "died". He went very far away. Never to be found again.
That is what I have been grieving over all this time. The anger I have felt. The true depression I slipped into for months. I have the sofa cushion impressions of my butt to prove that one. Ugh... I did not handle the past 18 months well, to be sure. If I am going to be honest, I yelled, cried, pleaded, and accused. I WAS a desperate wife living in fear. I didn't just ask for answeres, I demanded them. That, for anyone who has no clue about relationships, is how you help destroy communications. I'm not taking all the blame here, too be sure! But, I let my sheer fear of losing my marriage take over for me. His excuse, I will never know except to hear the running memory tapes of his words within my head. I would prefer to let those tapes die. They will. Someday.
Anywho, I am not just a new divorcee. I was a "widow" before that. I will say this and mean if from the very heart of my being. I loved him. I loved him more than even I understood. I will miss him very, very much. As for the alien that lives in his body now, well, I hope you find the earthly needs you so crave.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Ugly remnants of Divorce
I don't get it. Whenever I think I have a grip and have learned "whatever", something else crops up. Nothing hugely life changing or even a personal cost persay. But,"just one more thing" that I have only certain control over. Gawd, I crave mind/heart peace. I am exhausted. Literally, physically, and emotionally. I just want all to end. Ex wanted this divorce. However, I'm the one who filed. You cannot, in fairness, hold onto something that you know another does not want, feel, or hold dear anymore. It has "cost" me and my precious children.
The damn car. 2 days after divorce is filed and papers sent, ex wants my car. It's in his name and there's not much I can do about it. It was decided in September, at the Courthouse, that he was letting it be repossessed. Okay. I am filing Chapter 7 and ex, Chapter 13. No one can affor the loan. It goes away. Until I get an email late Tuesday night. Ex will take my car and we can switch to cars so I drive his lease. He'll make one more payment on that car before it is repo'd. What a guy...
I am angry. I've been played. I've been manipulated. And, of course, I must let him know what I want to do as soon as possible.
I. feel. ill. Used. Lied to. Again. Geezus. Will I *ever* grasp the man that he has become???
:o (
The damn car. 2 days after divorce is filed and papers sent, ex wants my car. It's in his name and there's not much I can do about it. It was decided in September, at the Courthouse, that he was letting it be repossessed. Okay. I am filing Chapter 7 and ex, Chapter 13. No one can affor the loan. It goes away. Until I get an email late Tuesday night. Ex will take my car and we can switch to cars so I drive his lease. He'll make one more payment on that car before it is repo'd. What a guy...
I am angry. I've been played. I've been manipulated. And, of course, I must let him know what I want to do as soon as possible.
I. feel. ill. Used. Lied to. Again. Geezus. Will I *ever* grasp the man that he has become???
:o (
Today is Thursday...
The day after Wednesday. Wednesday, trash pick-up day. Day after tossing very dead Christmas tree onto the deck. Had to put there considering all the rain/sleet. I've already fallen onto pavement twice (Worse, in front of the public viewing. Figures...) in 1 month. Same left knee. Hurt like a s.o.b. and bled like one, too. I thought slipping down the back hill would truly be tempting Fate and my lack of coordination. Well, there's that and the fact I'm running out of Bandaids/Neosporin. It's also the day after I receive in the mail my *official* divorce papers. No surprise it arrived on trash day. The irony of it.
The header of the document states, "State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. Family Court Final Judgment". It's even stamped by the Clerk as "True Copy Attest". Where do I put this document? File it in the legal Bin of Hell along with all the other papers I have received from lawyers over the last 10 months? Place it within "family" paper treasures that I have kept over the last 29 years? Or, frame the damn thing and hang it on the wall like you would with a college diploma you worked so hard for? Without the well earned golden stamp on the lower corner.... ~Sigh~
Over so many months, I have literally battled with and within myself, living the cliche' definition of "divorcee". A 50 year old divorcee whose ex husband stated, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". That evolved into, "Marrying you was the biggest mistake I ever made. ***Ever***". I became one of "those" middle aged women you read about in selfhelp books or Redbook magazines. Thankfully, I am healing (slowly, I admit) and I know that all that was said to me is crap. I know much that I have read in the media or have bought, is crap. Only I decide if I want to live that bullshit cliche'. I don't and I won't. I never wanted to be a follower, anyway. :o )
The header of the document states, "State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. Family Court Final Judgment". It's even stamped by the Clerk as "True Copy Attest". Where do I put this document? File it in the legal Bin of Hell along with all the other papers I have received from lawyers over the last 10 months? Place it within "family" paper treasures that I have kept over the last 29 years? Or, frame the damn thing and hang it on the wall like you would with a college diploma you worked so hard for? Without the well earned golden stamp on the lower corner.... ~Sigh~
Over so many months, I have literally battled with and within myself, living the cliche' definition of "divorcee". A 50 year old divorcee whose ex husband stated, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". That evolved into, "Marrying you was the biggest mistake I ever made. ***Ever***". I became one of "those" middle aged women you read about in selfhelp books or Redbook magazines. Thankfully, I am healing (slowly, I admit) and I know that all that was said to me is crap. I know much that I have read in the media or have bought, is crap. Only I decide if I want to live that bullshit cliche'. I don't and I won't. I never wanted to be a follower, anyway. :o )
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Whoa. A new adventure. Be gentle with me....
I have no idea how this is going to work. When I mentioned a "new adventure", I am being sincere. It's interesting, for me, considering that I have *no* problem sharing thoughts, opinions, or just fresh (as in, being a brat!) stuff on one of my favorite websites. I read a topic and I just toss the written OL word out there. It's safe. I can be witty (and sarcastic, I admit), but it's post and run. No one really knows me as a real person physically, but I have found that I have underestimated my internet friends. They do "know" me. In fact, I wish I could share how enlightening it has been. If they only knew the gifts they have given me. These wonderful people have nurtured and encouraged me. How amazing is that!!?
I have never blogged before. Then again, I've never eaten sushi, either. So perhaps there are simularities here. I look at sushi, see the rolled rice wrapped in that green stuff, some red thin sliced fish (I think), and I wonder about the taste. The texture. What flavors will I enjoy or not so much? Will it leave a pleasant taste within my mouth or will I want to run to the nearest ladies room?
So, this is a test run. I'm sure I'll get more comfortable sharing once I get over knowing others can read what I write. Maybe I'll lurk over at my favorite place and steal a topic. Kinda like a cheat sheet for blogging. :o )
I have never blogged before. Then again, I've never eaten sushi, either. So perhaps there are simularities here. I look at sushi, see the rolled rice wrapped in that green stuff, some red thin sliced fish (I think), and I wonder about the taste. The texture. What flavors will I enjoy or not so much? Will it leave a pleasant taste within my mouth or will I want to run to the nearest ladies room?
So, this is a test run. I'm sure I'll get more comfortable sharing once I get over knowing others can read what I write. Maybe I'll lurk over at my favorite place and steal a topic. Kinda like a cheat sheet for blogging. :o )
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)